Conversation with self

On a scale of 1-10, how sad has your life been? 

Because I am in self-pity mode, I'd say 5-6. 

And when not in self-pity mode? 

Then, I would say 4. 

That happy? 

The thing about happiness is, that it becomes invisible to us after a while. Like we don't notice the strength of the bricks in the foundation of our house, but the joy of living in a house that withstands storms, earthquakes, etc., is HUGE. Only, after a while, we start taking it for granted, and it becomes invisible to us. That is why, periodically, we need to remember the large building blocks of life that are in place. For me, it is this - I was given the mission of my life early on, I was given my biggest desire from life, AND, i have an invisible guardian angel. 

If the world is a place of comparisons, I value having these blessings. I do not have crazy money, love, and a designation of envy. And in MY scheme of asks, they were important, but not more important than the daily miracles I am blessed with. 

Daily miracles? 

When I get arrythmia, I keep a pleth just to keep track. Now, I like to see a certain shape in the pleth. It just makes me happy. No reason. I will tell you the most incredible thing. When i put on the pleth and don't look at it, it has a shape. But the second I start observing the pleth, it takes the shape I like. I look away for a minute, and the shape goes back to what it was. 

While booking tickets this time, I was told to buy refundable fares. I always buy only non refundable fares because my travel plans are pretty stable. But this time, someone guided my hand to the refundable fares. Surprisingly, for the first time in forever, those travel plans changed and i saved a lot of money. 

At just the right time, I got a therapist that worked out very well. 

The anchoring that comes from daily praying. 

The love of friends. 

The conversations with the child. 

The henna designs on the hand. 

Every day, a friend brings a blessing to my life. 

The therapist randomly says, "You are beautiful." 

Another friend says, "I NEED you to record this famous poem in your voice and send it to me!" 

Friends who have not spoken in months ask if i am ok, out of the blue! 

Things one learns in therapy

"I don't care" is a trauma response. 

Love is an emotion. It cannot be mandated. It is perfectly ok to not feel love for genetic relationships. They were not in your life, so they are not in your head. (or in your memories.) 

You say you don't want to make excuses for their behaviour, and yet you are... you are trying to justify why they might have done what they are doing.

*********** 

Also a beautiful story: 

After the session, I usually thank my therapist. I did that at the end of the session, and she responded: 

Thank you for being so vulnerable. Thank you for letting me help. 

<Pause> 

And Thank you for being so beautiful and giving me this view. The couch is green, you are dressed in white and there are pink flowers next to you. Its like being in a meadow. 

Me: Tell me more.. 

The way she described how her eyes interpreted that view was so lovely, that i went out and bought myself the same pink flowers and brought them home. 

And I think.. this will be one of those lovely memories. :) 

cheesy love poem

कल हम मिल नहीं पाए। 

इसलिए कल, मैंने सिर्फ तुम्हें प्यार किया। 

आज भी, सिर्फ तुम्हें प्यार करने का दिन है। 

कल के लिए भी बस यही काम सोच कर रखा है। 

Yesterday, we could not meet. 

So, I loved you all day. 

Today is the day to love you all day. 

And tomorrow, I plan to do the exact same thing. 

*************

In my defence, I am allowed to spew total insaneness. its part of therapy :) 

Do you know what I mean?

Words. Between us. 

Said. and Unsaid. 

Passing thoughts. Within. 

A person. A full person. 

Sometimes Alive.

Occasionally loved. 

Do you know what 

I 

mean? 

Kundan

तुमने जलाया था 

कि राख हो जाऊं 

मैं कुंदन निकला 

******** 

You lit the fire 

to turn me to ashes 

I realised 

I was gold dust. 

*********** 

Gold dust and blobs look like ordinary earth/blobs before they are refined, then torched, and emerge as pure gold. This 24-carat thin gold is called Kundan in Hindi. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eg1X6SKfTQo

https://www.youtube.com/shorts/X8zRP7w_2n0

The end of a friendship...

I realised today that it is harder to let go of a friendship than it is to let go of a relationship. 

In a relationship, all said and done, we retain a sense of self. In friendships, we give without accounting, we accept people as they are, and we do not always expect friends to be polite or even not rude. 

But suddenly, one day, they are exceptionally insensitive, and we find ourselves shocked. 

Then, we sit down and ask self an honest question - "When was the last time this friend was a "friend"? When did I last feel nice while interacting with them?" 

For me, that answer was "15 years". The last positive memory I have with this friend is from 15 years ago. For one and a half decades, I had been pouring into this friendship, without even pausing to think. 

When a romantic relationship goes bad, I usually say, "I love you very much, but I respect me more." With startling clarity, I realised that it was time to say the same thing to a one-sided friendship too. And its really, really hard. 

This embedded sadism

"औरत को बांध कर मारना चाहिए। फिर वो कहीं नहीं भाग सकती।" - अमृता प्रीतम की कहानी "मैं सब जानता हूँ" में ठेकेदार ने ये बात कही थी। और कल, फेस्बूक पर एक औरत ने यही बात लिखी। 

ये बात सच है। बच्चों वाली औरत बच्चों को छोड़ कर कहीं नहीं भाग सकती। फेस्बूक वाली औरत ने लिखा, "पर एक दिन, अगर मैं मुंह खोल दूँ तो?" 

मैं उस औरत को बताना चाहती थी, कि मुंह खोलने से दिन शांत हो जाते हैं और रातें और भी काली। 

पर मैंने कुछ नहीं लिखा। हर औरत की रस्सी भी अलग होती है, और उसकी गांठों का कसाव भी अलग। 

मुझे तकलीफ इस सोच से है, कि एक इंसान को बांध कर मारने की इच्छा है। उस इच्छा का होना भर ही मुझे समझ नहीं आता। 

इस सोच में, बच्चे प्रेम का प्रतीक नहीं होते। औरत को बांधने वाली रस्सियाँ होते हैं - जो बच्चों को कभी नहीं होना चाहिए। 

********* 

"A woman who is tied before she is hit is not able to run away. You should tie a woman down with children before hitting her." - This was a line in a short story by Amrita Pritam. 

And last week, this was written by a woman on Facebook. 

It is true. Women with children cannot run from bad marriages as easily. That is why men have suicides and women have autoimmune disorders. We cannot die. 

The poster on Facebook wrote, "But what if I were to open my mouth one day..?" 

I wanted to tell that woman that it won't change anything. It might make the days more peaceful but the nights will become darker and more unpredictable. 

But my issue is not with the comment, or the possibility of opening the mouth. My issue is with the core thought process that wants to tie up another human being and beat them. With embedded sadism that is so mainstream that it finds acceptance in our daily conversations!!! 

In this destructive thought process, children are not a symbol of love or union. They are tools of manipulation. Ropes that bind a victim and make her helpless. And children should never be that. 

I want to call out this embedded sadism. But don't know how. 

Book Review: Khushwant Singh Joke Book 6

 

These books are now out of print, but I loved them so much as a child that I have collected them from all over. 

This particular one has a lot of chuckles and many of them are family friendly. 

The political poetry contributed by Mr. Salil from Delhi may have been topical at one point, but the editors should have, imho, cut them out of the book. 

Most jokes may be known to folks who read jokes. But even if they are predictable, most of them are intelligent AND funny! 

If you get your hands on this book, it's a keepsake, primarily because it has all these classic jokes! 

Boohe Baariyaan

ਬੂਹੇ ਬਾਰੀਆਂ 

ਆਪਾਂ ਬਨਾਏ ਤੇ ਸੀ 

ਹਵਾ ਦੇ ਆਨ ਜਾਨ ਲਈ 

ਪਰ ਇਸਤੇਮਾਲ ਕੀਤੇ 

ਸਾਹ ਘੁੱਟਣ ਨੂਂ 

Boohe Baariyaan 

Apaan banaaye te si 

Hawa de aan jaan layi 

Par istemaal kitte 

Saah ghuttan nu 

***********

Doors and windows

were made 

to keep the air flowing 

but were used  

to suffocate. 

 

Akele Sher

जितना सुधार दिया है खुद को मैंने 

उतना तो मैं खराब भी नहीं था 

जिस बेरहमी से तोड़ा है ज़िंदगी तूने 

उतना बड़ा तो मेरा ख्वाब भी नहीं था 

- From the Insta of Saima123. Don't know the name of the poet. 

Haldi

मैं हल्दी सी हूँ। 

चोट लग जाए, तो खुद को पीस कर चोट पर लगा देती हूँ, 

और सारा दर्द सोख लेती हूँ। 

I am like turmeric. 

If you get hurt, I will crush myself and apply a poultice 

To take all the hurt away. 

*The translation does no justice to the original. 

Punjabi version: 

ਮੈਂ ਹਲਦੀ ਗੰਡੇ ਦੀ ਪੋਟਲੀ ਹਾਣਿਆ

ਕਿਤੇ ਲੱਗ ਜਾਵੇ ਸੱਟ 

ਤੇ ਆਪ ਸੜ ਕੇ 

ਸਾਰੀ ਪੀੜ ਪੀ ਲੈਸਾਂ। 

 

Main Haldi Gande dee potli Haaniyaa 

Kite lagg jaave satt 

Te aap sadd ke 

saaree Peed Pee Laisaan 

Meme

 

Don't bother Insta... he's sleeping inside. 

Meme

My Insta trying to warn me every day: 

Me, who sleeps at 3 am every day and is completely fucked up for entirely different reasons: 

Book Review: Bodies from the Library - 4

 

That crime is my fave genre is obvious. 

This series of short stories and novellas from the golden age of crime - early 1900s, has been quite the favorite. 

Unfortunately, I did not enjoy the 4th book quite as much as the others. 

Child's play by Edmund Crispin and Passengers by Ethel Lina White stand out.

As for the other stories, the less said the better. The longest story in the book is Shadowed Sunlight (or something similar). The plot is great but the execution is excruciating. 

I also used to love the language in writing from this time. These stories, maybe it was just me, missed the mark on that too. 

I would not recommend this as the book with which you start the series. And if you miss this one, you wouldn't have missed a lot. But if it is in your hands, give it a weekend. It might be a good weekend read. 

Meena Kumari ki Shayari - 1

मांगी - तांगी हुई सी कुछ बात 

दिन की झोली में भीख की रातें 

मेरी दहलीज़ पर भी लाई थी 

ज़िंदगी दे गई है सौगातें 

************ 

चाँद तन्हा है आसमान तन्हा 

दिल मेरा है कहाँ कहाँ तन्हा 

बुझ गई आस, छुप गया तारा 

थरथराता रहा धुआँ तन्हा 

ज़िंदगी क्या इसी को कहते हैं 

जिस्म तन्हा है और जां तन्हा 

हमसफ़र  कोई 'गर कोई मिले भी कहीं 

दोनों चलते रहें यहाँ तन्हा 

जलती बुझती सी रोशनी के पड़े 

सिमटा सिमटा सा इक मकां तन्हा 

राह देखा करेगा सदियों तक 

छोड़ जाएंगे ये जहां तन्हा 

*********** 

टुकड़े टुकड़े दिन बीता, धज्जी धज्जी रात मिली 

जिसका जितना आँचल था, उतनी ही सौगात मिली 

रिमझिम रिमझिम बूंदों में, ज़हर भी है और अमृत भी 

आँखें हंस दीं, दिल रोया, ये अच्छी बरसात मिली 

जब चाहा दिल को समझें, हंसने की आवाज सुनी 

जैसे कोई कहता हो, ले फिर तुझको मात मिली 

मातें कैसी घातें क्या, चलते रहना आठ पहर 

दिल-सा साथी जब पाया, बेचैनी भी साथ मिली 

होंठों तक आते- आते, जाने कितने रूप भरे 

जलती बुझती आँखों में, सादा सी जो बात मिली 

********** 

  

Today's meditation conversation

Today, in meditation, I got to speaking about space - that dead place just beyond our atmosphere. 

"I have told you before - there is no such thing as a dead place. You have just not tapped into the consciousness that exists in those entities yet. They are not talking to you. Does not mean that they are not talking." 

The rocks, the nebulae, the darkness, the galaxies - they are all ALIVE? 

There is no other way of being. How can a dead thing revolve? Rotate? How can it maintain consistent movement around a central core? How can all these entities remain moving in synergy, if they are not syncing with each other? What is the source of their endless energy? 

They are all conscious. They are all communicating. You have experienced the Universe as a dark place, but it is, in fact, full of light. You know it to be dead, but it is alive and pulsating. Your consciousness is limited. Think of it as two radio stations not being able to listen to each other because they exist on different frequencies. It is similar. The radio stations CAN learn to sync with each other. 

Human consciousness does not sync with animal or plant consciousness either. In fact, without spoken or written senses, it does not even communicate with other humans. But these other conscious entities are sentient. They are ALIVE. 

What then, is the best way to communicate with the Universe? To make our connection with that large world outside richer?  

What will you do with richer consciousness? Have you ever considered tapping into the consciousness of your fellow living beings? Humans and non humans? It is there, just believe it. You may not be able to sync with it just yet, but it is there. Humans have known it before. Energy has always known it. 

2 poems by Christina Rosetti

 "When I am dead, my dearest.." was read many years ago and immediately became my most favorite death poem. 

Today, i read another great death poem by the same poetess, and I so want to share both of these: 

पर्वत

पर्वत 

सदियों से खड़ा है 

फिर भी रोज़ नया है 

The mountain 

Is eternal 

But the view 

is ephemeral. 

The Cells Remember

"The cells remember," they say. 

I believe them 

Because there is pain 

even where 

there is no memory. 

Then it is the cells, innit, 

that need to scream their pain away

And heal? 

The cells will release 

Their pain 

in microcosms of quarks 

That we cannot see

but we will know

when its done 

because the water 

will feel clean. 

And the cells 

will breathe 

freely again.  

On opening up a new energy center

The most incredible thing happened this week in meditation. 

I received energy in a center that has never known energy. 

The first response was fear, because this center is also associated with a life trauma for me. 

But slowly, the fear was replaced by the warm glow of not just healing, but radiating energy, and within a very short time, it was as if the fear had never been there. 

The deep-seated scar is still there, but it's now a participant in the healing and the energy radiation rather than a scared bystander. 

To more such moments. 

Shivaya: 

Birthday Wish for a sweet, gentle friend

I wish you 

Every dream 

that you held on to 

while helping others 

realise theirs 

Every positive vibe

that you have sent

into the world 

like a butterfly 

to make its way 

back to you. 

I wish you joy 

and love 

and care. 

And happiness

beyond compare. 

Success, 

and some of that stardust 

that you sprinkle 

generously 

on others. 

The kindness that you have sown 

your whole life 

to make its way 

back to you. 

All this, and more 

I wish you for you 

This year

and always. 

गद्य कविता: ऐसा ही होना

वो ऐसा ही था। 

तुम्हारी आँखों में गहरे देख कर, तुम में तुम्हें ढूंढता था।  

अगर मिल जाओ, तो दोस्ती कर लेता था।  

ना मिलो, तो कभी तकरार नहीं करता था।  

"मरे हुओं से क्या लड़ना?" 

Kshanika: Roz

तुम रोज़ 'कल' कहोगे 

और गुलाबों का मौसम 

गुज़र जाएगा 

Everyday you will say, 

"Tomorrow, for sure" 

and spring

will pass. 

मेला - शरद कोकास

मेले की भीड़ में डरता है अकेलापन 

काँपता है 

कहीं कोई दबोच न ले 

कर न बैठे कोई कटाक्ष 

दुबक जाता है किसी कोने में 

फिर भी 

हार नहीं मानता अकेलापन I

Too good a poem to not share. 

कतरन

आपका बेटा कितना बड़ा है? 

फलाने साल का। 

मेरा भी कुछ इतना ही है। वो भी ऐसी ही बातें करता है, इसलिए पूछ लिया। 

अच्छा। इस उम्र के बच्चे प्यार तो बहुत करते हैं, पर पढ़ाई में तंग बड़ा करते हैं। आपका बेटा पढ़ लेता है खुद से? 

वो हॉस्टल में है। 3 साल से। घर में भरा पूरा परिवार है, पर वक़्त आने पर, कोई भी नहीं है।   

एक ही बच्चा है? 

हाँ जी। पता है, मैं बहुत बड़े परिवार से हूँ। मेरी 5 बहनें और 2 भाई हैं। सब के 2-2, 3-3 बच्चे हैं। बस मैं ही हूँ, जिसका एक ही बच्चा है। 

क्यूंकि उन सब को घर मिले, आपको ससुराल। 

Us Din

उस दिन मैं 

कविता की किताब 

नहीं पढ़ रहा था 

खुद को सिखा रहा था 

तुम्हें पढ़ना 

ਉਸ ਦਿਨ ਮੈਂ 

ਗੀਤ ਨਹੀਂ ਸੀ ਪੜ੍ਹਦਾ 

ਸੀਖਣ ਬੈਠਾ ਸੀ 

ਤੈਨੂ ਪੜ੍ਹਨਾ 

Us din main 

geet nahi see padhdaa 

Sikhan baithaa see 

tainu padhna 

Chandni Raatein.. such a haunting song!!

 I was today years old when i realised that this song:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JK5uhiOJ1xg

is a copy of this original:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QIz5cMIXw1Q

Hope

Today, I took out the noose 

to hang myself. 

And I put 

the "To Let" board 

on the house. 

Asked a few volunteers

to come and take the body away. 

- Didn't want any of my 'own' people 

to touch it. 

Called the lawyer 

and told her 

I'll die intestate. 

And then 

I made my bed 

and slept. 

- Might as well wait for you. 

- 11th Jan 1998. :) 

ਫਾਹਾ ਬਣ ਲੇਹਾ

ਪੱਖੇ ਨਾਲ 

ਘਰ ਦੇ ਮੂਰਹੇ "ਟੁ ਲ਼ੇਟ" ਦੀ ਤੱਖਤੀ ਟੰਗ 'ਤੀ 

ਸ਼ਮਸ਼ਾਨ ਵਾਲੇਆਂ ਨੂਂ ਦੱਸ ਤਾ 

ਬੋਡੀ ਕਿੰਨੇ ਵਜੇ ਲੈ ਕੇ ਜਾਣੀ ਏ 

ਸ਼ਰੀਕਾਂ ਨੂਂ ਮੋਯਾ ਮੂੰਹ ਨਾ ਤੱਕਣਾ ਪਵੇ 

ਵਕੀਲ ਨੂਂ ਵੀ ਦੱਸ ਤਾ, 

ਕਿਸੇ ਨੂਂ ਕੁਝ ਨਹੀਂ ਮਿਲਣਾ। 

ਫੇਰ ਬਿਸਤਰਾ ਵਿਛਾਏਆ 

ਤੇ ਲੇਟ ਗਯੀ 

- ਚਲ ਉਡੀਕ ਹੀ ਲੈਣੇ ਆਂ ਤੈਨੂ। 

Faaha bann leha 

pakkhe naal 

ghar de murhe "To let" dee takhti tang ditti 

shamshaan vaaleyaan nu dass taa 

body kinne vajje lai ke jaani e 

shreekaan nu moya munh na takna pave. 

vakeel nu vi dass taa 

kise nu kujjh nahi milnaa 

Pher bistara vichhaayaa 

te let gayi 

Chal, udeek hi laine aan tainu. 

:) 

 

In a Parallel Universe...

In a parallel universe, 

You and I, 

Perhaps... 

That parallel universe 

Is the stardust 

that makes up

Hope. 

Recovery is a slow process

When you recover from a viral fever, you have lingering weakness even after the fever is gone. For a while, you are just weak. There is nothing visibly wrong with you, and yet you give yourself time. To heal. 

It is the same with mental health. Whether you are coming out of depression, melancholia, or just plain sadness. Just like the viral, there is a period when you feel ready, but aren't. That is the period of imperceptible weakness. 

I am going through this now. My diagnosis is complex PTSD. After 2.5 months, I am finally able to eat, sleep, and do basic things like that. But if I don't get to the therapist once a week, it all comes gushing back. The worst thing is, I cannot cry. Not even now. So, it has to be talking, breathing, writing. 

This week, I won't be able to get to therapy because of something at home. And I told my therapist, "This general sense of wellness can make me feel braver than I should." 

So, this week, I intend to not be very brave. 

Do the walk, exercise, and journaling. 

And then, we will see what we will see. 

PS: The blog has not had personal mental health posts before, but what the hell, I am the only one reading. Why not? If not this, what. if not now, when. :) 

Book Review: Love and Marriage by Bill Cosby

 

This is meant to be a fun, entertaining read on the topics of teen dating, love, and well, marriage. 

It is a read on these topics and is generally fun too. 

The book produces chuckles at the right places. 

The parts about teen dating in Philadelphia are more history than nostalgia inducing for most of us in India. 

But the parts on marriage.. oh well! Monogamous/androus marriages are universal in their fights, misunderstandings, and shenanigans. 

That section of the book produces familiar nods than chuckles, but always with a knowing smile on the face, rarely a frown. The issues of domestic bliss/blizzards are presented in a truly funny way.

This is a good read for that short airplane ride, or while sitting in the sun, looking for a quick entertainer. 

Urdu poetry from the old diary

 कुछ ग़म मेरे दिल से सम्हाले नहीं जाते 

आँसू भी उन्हें साथ बहा ले नहीं जाते 

ग़म हो के खुशी आँखों में आ जाते हैं आँसू 

दुख सुख में मेरे चाहने वाले नहीं जाते 

ये वक़्त फक्त पाँव के छालों का हैं मरहम 

पड़ जाते हैं जो दिल में वो छाले नहीं जाते 

एक वक़्त था, पी जाता था सौ ग़म के समंदर 

दो अश्क भी अब मुझ से सम्हाले नहीं जाते 

******** 

मेरा दिल है और आपकी याद है, 

ये घर आज कितना आबाद है 

********** 

काश ऐसा तालमेल सकूत व सदा में हो 

 उसको पुकारूँ तो उसी को सुनाई दे 

***** 

शहर में तो रुखसती दहलीज़ तक महदूद है 

गाँव में पक्की सड़क तक लोग पहुंचाने गए 

******* 

तेरे पास आ के हँसाऊँगा तुझे लेकिन 

जाते-जाते तेरे दामन को भिगो जाऊंगा 

******* 

And one new one from the poetry group: 

मुँह ज़बानी न जताता कि मोहब्बत क्या है

मैं तुझे कर के दिखाता कि मोहब्बत क्या है

कैसे सीने से लगाऊँ कि किसी और के हो

मेरे होते तो बताता कि मोहब्बत क्या है

ख़ूब समझाता तुझे तेरी मिसालें दे कर

काश तू पूछने आता कि मोहब्बत क्या है

******* 

बिछड़ के तुझ से न ख़ुश रह सकूंगा सोचा था

तिरी जुदाई ही वजह-ए-नशात हो गई है

- Tahzeeb Hafi 

**********

I have no idea who the poets are. If you do know, pls comment and I will add. 

What is the purpose of life?

In my spiritual practice, one consistent question i used to ask was - If the origin and the destination of the universe are predetermined, then why do zillions of beings lead minuscule lives for zillions of years? What is the point of the circle of life? 

The answer I got was complex and simple at the same time - If the blood in your body always has to remain at 5-6 liters, why do zillions of RBCs circulate for 180 days each? What is the point of their circle of life? 

The point of that circle of life is to keep you alive. You - who are both an organism and an ecosystem. Everything - from the quark to the multiverse, is both an organism and an ecosystem. And an ecosystem is a living, breathing entity. Every element must complete its journey. That circulation - that is life. Consciousness is often compared to a grain of light. The circle of life is necessary because the universe is not wood, diamonds, and rock. It is consciousness. The only carrier of consciousness is the tiny entities at various stages of awareness. They are ALL necessary to ensure that the universe remains ever-new. We cannot forget selfishness or base traits - they are integral to consciousness too. Like photons are charged particles that carry light from point A to point B, beings are sentient particles that ensure that Consciousness remains in the Universe. 

Why is suicide prohibited in every single religion of the world? Because lives are not incidental. Each life has a mandatory journey that it has to complete. Think of it as being in a grade in school. You can drop out of second grade because it is too hard. But will they put you in third grade? No. They will tell you to take your time, drop a year, two if you want. But when you rejoin, it is going to be second grade only, not third grade. 

It is exactly the same with births. You can choose to end a birth early. You can also take time in the time space. But when you take a physical birth again, it WILL be for the same lessons. For the same objective that your soul had set out originally. 

It is your timeless soul that sets its path. It decides how much or how little it will do in each birth. Like a grain of light, it reaches the destination (which Hinduism calls Nirvana). 

Remember the endless pillar of light that Shiva showed to Brahma and Vishnu? That is our existence. That is the journey of the universe. No beginning and no end. 

If you take a picture of the sun or the moon at the exact same spot for a year and super impose the pics, you will find that they make a symbol known to men and mathematicians. The symbol is infinity. Let that sink in - infinity is a loop. 

That is the spiritual answer to your question - what is the purpose of life. If we have to die anyway, why live? The RBCs have the answer. We are all photons. 

Katran

 वो मुझे ऐसे देखता था, जैसे एक मर्द एक औरत को देखता है – हसरत से।

वो मुझ से ऐसे बात करता था, जैसे एक लड़का एक लड़की से बात करता है – हसरत से, पर उस हसरत को पूरा न कर पाने की मजबूरी बातों-बातों में बयान करते हुए। थोड़ा झिझक कर, थोड़ा रुक कर।  

बात पूरी हो जाने के बाद, बस एक छोटे से पल के लिए रुक जाता था।

*********** 

I thought I'd use this as the start of a short story, but the thought is beautiful, and complete enough to live by itself. 

Makes one wonder - gadya mein kitni aisi kavita numa baatein chhipi hoti hain, jinhein ham padhte to hain, par un par gaur nahi karte..

 

ਸੁੱਖਣੇ ਅਤੇ ਸੁਪਣੇ Sukhne ate supne

ਸੁਪਣੇ ਤੱਕੇ ਜਾਂਦੇ ਹਨ 

ਤੇ ਸੁੱਖਣੇ ਸੁੱਖੇ ਜਾਂਦੇ ਨੇ 

ਐਨੀ ਜੇਹੀ ਵਿੱਥ ਹੈ 

ਸੁਪਨ ਕੇ ਸੁੱਖਣ ਵਿੱਚ 

ਹਾਥ ਚੁੱਕਣ ਜਿਨੀ 

ਬੁੱਲ ਹਿਲਾਣ ਜਿਨੀ 

Supne Takke jaande han 

te sukhne sukkhe jaande ne 

Aini jehi vith hai 

supan te sukhan vich 

haath chukkan jinni 

bull hilaan jinni 

सपने देखे जाते हैं 

और मन्नत मांगी जाती है 

बस, इतना सा फ़र्क है 

सपने और मन्नत में 

हाथ उठाने जितना 

होंठ हिलाने जितना 

Mannat is when we ask God for something specific and promise to do something when the prayer is answered. 

Dreams are seen

Mannats are prayed for. 

That is the difference 

between a dream 

and divine help 

The raising of the hand 

the moving of the lips. 

Happy Lohri!

 I was today years old when I first: 

A. Did gidda in a sari 

B. Celebrated Lohri by quickly putting a phulkari dupatta on top of a Mysuru crepe silk sari 

An unequal relationship

तुम्हें "न" कहने का अधिकार है। 

मुझे 

नहीं है। 

You have the right to say "No" 

And I 

Don't. 

 

My soul is tired. 

एक तिनके का सफर

कहते हैं कि डूबते को तिनके का सहारा होता है। पर उस तिनके की कहानी तिनका बनने से शुरू नहीं होती। शुरू में वह तना होता है - प्रमुख सहारा। ठीक तने की तरह तन कर खड़ा हुआ। 

फिर उसके पास कुछ वक़्त की कमी होना शुरू हो जाती है, कुछ हम से गलतियाँ होनी शुरू हो जाती हैं - डाल में नामक तेज़, कपड़े ठीक से इस्तरी नहीं, घर आए दोस्त के साथ थोड़ा सा हंसी मज़ाक, उनके हमारी किसी सहेली के साथ फ्लर्ट करने पर हमारा चिढ़ जाना - इन सब बातों से तने का मन हम से उतारने लगता है। इस में तने का कोई दोष नहीं। इस तरह, उदासीनता के मारे, तना टहनी बन जाता है, फिर टहनी से सीख, और इसी तरह घटते प्रेम के साथ साथ, तना भी घाट कर तिनका बन जाता है। 

तब फिर, डूबता इस तिनके का सहारा क्यूँ ले? 

क्यूंकि वह जो तना है न, जो तने से टहनी, टहनी से सींख बना है, वह हमें किसी और का सहारा लेने नहीं देगा। खुद १० मधुशाला लिख आए, हमें झट से याद दिला देगा कि हाला प्रेम में हराम है। 

फिर हमें सिखाया जाता है कि डूबते को तिनके का सहारा। पर किस डूबते को तिनका बचाने आया है? ये पाठ हमें पढ़ाया ही इसलिए जाता है कि जब हम डूब कर मर जाएँ तो कोई ये गिला न कर सके कि तिनके ने बचाया क्यूँ नहीं? न बचाने का सामर्थ्य है न अभिलाषा। जब तुम्हें ये जताया जाने लगे कि तने से तिनका होने का सफर तुम्हारे कारण है, तो यह भी समझ जाना कि तिनका किसी को नहीं बचाता। तिनके को कोई फर्क नहीं पड़ता। तिनके को पता भी नहीं चलता। 

 In the last 3 days, I happened to watch 3 films

Angrej is the story of a young person who dearly loves a girl, but the girl has a fickle mind and responds to the attention of another person who is wealthier. Heartbroken, he tries to forget her and fails, until love finds him as another person. He realises very late in the movie that this new girl, who accepts him for who he is, is the right person for him. 

The Wife was a little hard to watch, as the film starts with a Nobel literature Award winner proclaiming that his wife is the love of his life, and slowly, the insidious emotional manipulation of a narcissist unfolds layer by layer, and the shocking realisation that she basically discovers the extent to which she has been looted. 

Autumn in New York, like The Idea of You, is an intergenerational love story with the added masala of the young person dying. Richard Gere makes it all worthwhile. Surprisingly, in both films, it was the older actor who carried the day. Perhaps, like wine, all craft needs time to mature. 

There are many, many thoughts in the head. 

First, all popular cinema seems to perpetuate the idea of womanising being the default for a man, and seeking loyalty and monogamy being the default of the woman. Why? What if it were not true? What about the men who want to honour their commitments (like the guy in Angrej) and the women who do not want commitment? Why are those voices not in popular or any cinema? Why does a woman become a slut as soon as she refuses to seek and offer commitment? If men are so unwilling to commit, and a woman says, ok, sure, lets just enjoy what we have in the here and now, suddenly, there is no love story to tell? That is SO FAR removed from the reality of our times. Likewise, why are all the heroes semmi bad boys? Give us the silent guy who stands rock solid behind a woman. Show us the quiet friend who has our back no matter what and doesn't tell us he loves us for fear of losing us? 

Second, inter-generational romance. I just can't find it fair - esp for the younger person, who must have milestones to meet in life. A 20-something year old cannot be expected to never become a parent because their forever love has already crossed that stage of life. It is romantic, but my probably conservative head does not find it fair in the long term. Having said that, both the films - the Idea of You and Autumn in New York were very realistic about the challenges, void, and the potential conflics - The Idea of You more than Autumn in New York. BUT, the idea that two people who are many decades apart can still be beautifully compatible with each other is something I have observed irl around me, and have started to believe in. 

 These are not really film reviews, but a perspective on how popular art can guide the cultural, romantic norms of its time. The Punjabi film shows the man as someone committed and the woman as someone fickle-minded, and it doesnt appear to be out of place. I LOVED the film. 

Book Review: Samajh Gaye ya Samjhaoon by Rahgir

 

Last month, I started listening to Rahgir songs randomly and then came to Kachha Ghada and Mere Gaanv Aaoge 2. He basically just strums the guitar and sings in a simple tune, but what songs!! 

The songs don't even  rhyme, but they make perfect sense! 

How it went from the songs to realising he has also released 3 books, one doesn't quite remember. I ordered only one book to.. basically, test the waters. 

The book arrived today and has been finished.. everything else was put aside to read this book. 

The poetry speaks for itself, and for everyone else who does not have a voice, or cannot raise it. He does sum it up in the preface, quoting Pash (a Punjabi poet I have read but could not love).

Many of his best loved songs are here. Truth be told, they are better heard than read. He just adds magic to the words. 

And many of these words are magical unto themselves. This, when I am not even a fan of Rebel with or without cause. 

O Meri Premika is a beautiful long poem. 

Perhaps the most touching aspect of the book are poems dealing with hopelessness, helplessness, and related states of the heart. I won't call it mental health. In India, this state is an amalgamation of financial, social, spiritual, and emotional health. Reading these pieces made me realise that calling it just 'mental' health leads to a single story, and oversimplification. Rahgir presents the facets of the prism of this state of existence, but does so in a very non-judgemental, understanding way. 

Its hard to choose a single, or even the top 5 favorite pieces, so I will just mention them all. 

गीत आज़माऊँगा, रखवाली, बात कर लो यार (is pure love), फूल मैंने बाद में देखे, हाइवे पर चादर बिछाकर, माँ बाप, दो बीज, वहाँ कौन है तेरा - loved all of these. 

What I didn't like: The Cover!! Someone please change the cover. That guitar and goli visual has no connection to the beauty and empathy in the pages. 

His words do the talking much better than mine ever will, so, sharing some favourite excerpts. 

सड़क पर निकलोगे तो सड़क के कानून समझ आएंगे 

जख्मों को कुरेदोगे तो अपने नाखून समझ आएंगे 

********* 

गाँव में मेरा घर मुझको पुकारता रह गया, 

मैं था कि कहीं दुनिया सुधारता रह गया 

हाथ मिल कर गाड़ियां चढ़ गए कुछ लोग 

मैं मन ही मन बाहें पसारता रह गया 

********* 

कभी गाली दूंगा, कभी चूम लूँगा मैं 

ऐसे ही जी लूँगा, दुनिया घूम लूँगा मैं 

तुम अकेले पड़ गए और पुकारा जो मुझे 

आ जाऊंगा सब छोड़ कर बगल में रूम लूँगा मैं 

***** 

भले बैठे हो रूठ कर घरवालों से 

एक गीत सुनोगे और घर जाओगे 

मैंने देखे हैं तुम्हारे अंदर खाली कोने 

मैं उनको छू लूँगा, तुम भर जाओगे 

भाग रहे हो क्यूंकि रुकना भूल गए हो 

मैं एक पेड़ दिखाऊँगा, ठहर जाओगे 

************ 

मन के फूलों को सींचता हूँ 

उम्मीदों के पानी से 

ज़रा सी दुनिया देख लूँ तो साले मर जाते हैं 

******* 

ऐसे चुप ही खड़ा मैं रहा 

जैसे रहते हैं शाखाएँ अपनी 

कटवा के पेड़ 

******* 

 

कुछ लोग छोड़ते हैं घर के सांस ले पाएँ 

पैसों के लिए ही सारे परदेस नहीं रहते 

एक दोस्त लटका तो ये जाना कि लोग 

जैसे अंदर से हैं वैसे उनके भेस नहीं रहते 

दुख बताऊँ तो कोई साथ देने की बात नहीं 

बस ये कह देते हैं कि दुख हमेश नहीं रहते 

 

*********** 

पहले पिताजी अपनी मुश्किलें छुपा लिया करते थे 

अब वो अपनी बता देते हैं, मैं अपनी छुपा लेता हूँ 

** 

बाप अडिग रहा बेशक मेरे और मुसीबतों के बीच 

इंसान नहीं रह पाए वो बनने एक पर्वत के चक्कर में 

****** 

अरसा बीत गया घर छोड़े 

पर वो घाव नहीं जाता 

याद बहुत करता है लेकिन 

रामू अब गाँव नहीं जाता 

*********** 

Lovely book! Much recommended. 

दुविधा

That अंग्रेजी का वह शब्द है जो किसी भी common noun के आगे लग कर उसे proper noun जैसा ही बना देता है। कोई और मूर्ति नहीं, वह वाली - That one. 

सादे शब्दों में कहें तो आम को खास बनाने की ताकत है That। 

ये दिसंबर भी कुछ ऐसा ही था। ये That December था। खास वाला। 

जैसे जंग की भर्ती शुरू होने के बाद, हर जवान लड़के को गाँव का तालाब, मैदान के जंगली फूल, यहाँ तक कि घर की छिपकलियाँ भी खास लगने लगती हैं, वैसे ही, इस दिसंबर में आस पास की हर आम सी चीज़ को ऐसे देखा जा रहा था, जैसे वह कितनी ही खास हो ! पता नहीं, इन में से कौन सी चीज़ अगले दिसंबर तक साथ होगी। शायद सारी की सारी रह जाएँ, शायद एक भी न बचे। 

जो अंत बता कर नहीं आता, उस से हमेशा यह शिकायत रहती है कि कुछ तय्यारी ना कर पाए। कुछ भी कह-सुन ना पाए। अलविदा भी न कह पाए। 

पर जो अंत बता कर आता है, क्या सच में, वह बेहतर होता है? किसी तिल तिल सी पीड़ा में जलना, या एक झटके में सब खो देना। क्या सच में, 'अलविदा' कह पाना ... इतना बड़ा सुख है? 

 ***** 

"That" places itself before a common noun and makes it almost a proper noun. Not any statue. THAT one. 

THAT has the power to make the commonplace, special. 

 This December was also like that. It will probably be remembered, forever, as "That December." 

Just like a young boy, once he has been enlisted, starts to notice the village pond, the wildflowers in the meadow, even the stains on the walls... This December, I saw everything like that boy.. will this still be here next year? Who knows? Perhaps all of it will remain, just like this. Perhaps nothing will.

The end that comes without warning is forever rued and regretted - "Oh! We could never say Goodbye!" 

But the end that comes, like a slow, agonising death? What about it? The moments of waiting.. not knowing.. when, how, or how much.... Is the time to say 'Goodbye' really worth the Chinese torture of waiting for the end? 

On making someone feel human

उस ने 

नाम से पुकारा, 

मेरा हाल पूछा 

और मैं 

नंबर से इंसां हो गया। 

To paraphrase Gulzar: 

बस इतनी सी जान होती है एक मुलाकात की, 

एक लम्हे के जितनी।  

हाँ 

कुछ लम्हे बरसों ज़िंदा रहते हैं। 

It is so easy to make someone feel human. 

Look them in the eye 

Call them by name

Ask how they are 

and then wait for an answer. 

Be with them, all there 

for just a moment, or two. 

That is all it takes

to make a number

feel like a human being. 

 

Note: The idea is the same, but its presentation in English and Hindi is completely different. This is not a translation. 

Narcissist का प्रेम

Narcissitic लोगों का प्रेम सरस्वती नदी जैसा लगता है। हमें लगता है कि इस सब के नीचे कहीं छुपा हुआ जरूर है, पर हमें कभी दिखाई नहीं देता।  मन के विश्वास के अलावा कहीं नहीं होता। कभी उस में न नहा पाते हैं, न उस से कोई प्यास बुझा पाते हैं। 

हमें किसी दूर की satellite से दिखाई पड़ता है - किसी और से कहा हुआ, सबके सामने किया कोई मीठा काम, पर हमारे जीवन में कभी नहीं होता। 

ये प्रेम मृग तृष्णा सा होता है, पर सरस्वती सा लगता है। 

The love of a narcissist feels like the River Saraswati. We feel that underneath all this, it most certainly exists.. somewhere. Its just that we can't see it from day to day (for many days, until the days turn to months and months turn to years). It exists primarily in our unshaken belief. We can neither bathe in it, nor quench the thirst of the heart with it. 

We can see it in some distant satellite images - like them proclaiming to some friends or family members how much they love us and how they cannot live without us, or them doing some affectionate gesture in the presence of 100 ppl so they all think how lucky we are. But its never a part of our real life. 

It is a mirage, but it feels like the River Saraswati. 

#Narcissism