Things I thought I had emotionally managed and packed away are making a comeback, making their presence felt.. and how!
This means that finally I am in a space - mentally, that is safe enough for me to be able to open events that were too taboo to even be remembered earlier.
The first such shocker was the r^*% - an event I have only spoken about once, to one friend, and then packed away- to be referenced casually, but not really thought about. Like a bad Holi bash. But during therapy, it tormented me for weeks. Finally, the pain of it still remains, but the trauma appears to have improved.
This week, it was CSA. Someone casually asked why I don't sleep on time. Now, this is a question that has been asked ad nauseum, and the answer has been consistent - because my brain works at night. That is true, and I believed it to be the whole truth. But this time, the answer that came to me, spontaneously, was that night was not a safe time.
And i remembered that in Chennai, I had opted to take the hall because i could not, at that time, share the room with another person.
The childhood memories came back. Then the teens.
For a day, I wondered if I was hallucinating. Trying to create pain where none existed. Asking for self-pity.
Then, thought that even if this is me asking for self-love, that is legit. I don't have to deny that. Whether the events happened, in that order, with that severity - the facts of the cases are immaterial now. What matters is the scar tissue on the soul. If it is asking for healing, if it is making up some of the details (some, not all - because the fact that it happened, consistently, for years, is true.), that is fine. What matters is the healing energy.
At the start of the year, when my meditation said that I am being turned in another direction, this was NOT what I had in mind. But over these months, I have realised that sometimes, even with meditation, we don't always know ourselves that well. We are not at peace with everything. And to be able to create a safe space where these things come out, is quite a gift. So, Thank you, to the Universe.
2 comments:
Our bodies remember what our brains suppress.
True Debra. And instead of wondering why there are palpitations, I now acknowledge the cause and give my body the love that it needs when things are difficult.
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