Friday, December 21, 2018

Erma Bombeck Special

My mother has elevated revenge to an art form.

Oh, i used to be naive about animals.  I thought they are male, unmarried, and travelling alone. 

It amazes me how every year, a childless writer will set down suggestions on the joys of travelling with children.

I wondered if she married a man who considered asking for directions anywhere as a genetic weakness. I wish I had a dime for every cloverleaf that we circled for 8 days.

We explored every dead end road in the United States, blazed trails where only covered wagons had been, and discovered maternity homes for bloodsucking mosquitoes.

Children do not go on a vacation to have a good time. If the parents really wanted them to have a good time, they would leave them at home.

No self respecting family would think of going on a vacation without the 'seat-kicker'. The seat kicker is a fore runner of the bionic leg. He positions himself just behind daddy's seat and has been clocked at 200 kicks per minute for as long as 400 miles. The motion affects his hearing.

Kids haven't been home unless they have pawed through their old sports trophies and ribbons, 2080 friendship pictures from grade schools, rubber worms, dolls with no eyes, graduation tassels, rugs from Disneyland, pennants, report cards, sand-filled cameras, basketballs, kits, dog-eared letters, college catalogs, and licence plates.

"Mom, this is our history. It shows that we were here."
"Your father and i live at poverty level. What more proof do we need that you were here?"

Clean underwear does not reproduce itself.

Students who write to their parents get remembered in the will.

Look, son, ever since you graduated from college you've been trying to find yourself.  You wanna know where you are? You're somewhere between Clearsil and bankruptcy.

"I take care of the car. "
"Pouring Orange crush in the radiator when it boils over is not taking care of it. "

It was always understood that my husband, Darth Vader, would be the custodian of the television tuner.  He regarded the electronic device as his personal "force" of good over evil TV shows.

Ten children... thats a lot of shoes, a lifetime of overbites, an eternity of 'Can I..'s, endless evenings of PTA, years of slammed doors, and an uninterrupted spam of "we've got the kids to think about.."

Every time mom said, "I'm doing this because i love u. ", i knew it was going to be something rotten.

We have an entire generation of kids growing up who have been told that work must be 'fun, relevant, and meaningful. ' it's actually discipline, competition, and repetition.  They're confusing work with success. Success is fun, relevant and meaningful. Work is just plain dogging it.

- from Family- The ties that bind, and gag. 

Thursday, December 20, 2018

Mann Ki Baat

नेकी इक दिन काम आती है, हमको क्या समझाते हो,
हमने बेबस मरते देखे, कैसे प्यारे प्यारे लोग!
- जावेद अख्तर 

'Health is Wealth' is an adage that is learnt in school but understood at the hospital check out counter or the Old Age home.
- this is mine.

Monday, December 17, 2018

Katranein/ कतरनें

नुन्नी, तू कविता लिखती थी न?

अब कहां लिखूंगी मां? घर, बच्चे, असबाब..

कविता, धमनियों के रक्त सी होती है। हममें ही बहती है।
जब तक तन की धमनियों में रक्त है बच्चे,
तब तक आत्मा में कविता बहती है।

Monday, December 10, 2018

Today's gratitude

Today's gratitude is for 2 things:
1. Ice cream on winter nights
2. A free sky above my head.
3. My friends.
4. Chhangu baba 

Friday, December 07, 2018

Poetry / Kavita

पहले कविता,
मेरे घर ही रहती थी
झूले पर
लड़ाइयां करती थी,
उन्मुक्त हंसती,
बेबाक रोती
कभी झरने सी,
कभी अल्हड़ लड़की सी
कुनकुनी धूप में
सुस्ता कर निखरती थी,
और सख्त गर्मी में
अपनी सख्तजानी जताती थी। 

फिर वही हुआ
जो हर बढ़ती लड़की
और नदी के साथ होता है
धीरे धीरे
लड़कियों पर अंकुश
और नदियों पर बाँध

मैं भी बन गया
मीत से
उसका साथ देना छोड़ कर
उसे गढ़ने लगा

जब मैं बना सवार
तो वह
घोड़ी नहीं बनी
तब वह
देवी बन कर
अंतर्ध्यान हो गयी, बस.

तुम्हे यकीन ना आये,
ये सहज ही है
पर ये सच है,
पहले कविता,
मेरे घर ही रहती थी। 

Lived here
Once upon a time..
We fought for the swings
She laughed with gay abandon
and cried without shame.
Like a young girl,
she met the world
with unbridled passion,
not unlimited wisdom.

She faced
what all rivers
and girls do
- dams
and Damns.

I went from
being her friend
to being her conductor.
At that point,
she did not mature into
a horse
She became
A Goddess

I understand
You will not believe
But Poetry
lived here
Once upon a time..

Thursday, December 06, 2018

Observations on life..

My jokes are delivered with such a straight face that they always fall flat.

As grammar rules go, I spell hyphenation as n-e-m-e-s-i-s.

My ability to offend people is exceeded only by my ability to remain completely oblivious to the fact.