Aaj ka gyaan

Aaj ka Gyaan: An advisory report is not presenting facts to positions. It is presenting solutions to personalities.

3 quick fix baby shower games

If you are organising a baby shower in a hurry and cant think of games, here is your life saver. I created and then tried them today and they were a HIT.


1. Sugar and Spice: This is the classic party game with a twist. Everyone writes one sweet and one saucy (not critical or embarrassing) thing about the mother to be. The chits are collected and then read out by someone else (so that handwriting cannot be guessed) and the mother tries to figure out who has written this within 10 seconds.


The variation that we played was just reading out the chits. I took a video of the mom to be's face while the good stuff about her was being read out, and it was a delight!


2. Sing Song: Create chits with situations. Guests are split into groups and they have to guess songs that match the situation. This is hilarious. Some of the situations we thought up:
A. Baby has an upset stomach on date night.
B. Baby goes to sleep to the sounds of drum roll in clash of clans.
C. Baby only wants to play with the toys of the older child.
D. Help me, it is 2:30 p.m. and I still haven't eaten anything!
E. Dad is late at work on yet another parent duty night.
F. Baby isn't burping!
G. Baby spits on my most expensive (silk) party dress.
H. Baby is teething.
I. Baby isn't teething!
J. Not feeding properly.
K. Help, we need to get out of the house!
L. No maid!
M. Daddy's darling!
N. I want to wear nake up!
O. Who do you love more, mom and dad?




3. Objects D'Art: Take everyday objects and put them in any bag. Everyone comes to the bag, closes their eyes and pulls out any one object. Then they have to use it as an infant would. We had everything from rubber bands and Uno cards to ash trays! Just random things around the house.

Dowry Deaths in India: The role of the parents

Growing up in Hyderabad, I used to open the newspaper to the crime page and read daily reports of women who had either died, or had committed suicide as a result of "stomach ache."


In some cases, there were clear reports of burning women to death. On average, there were 2-3 such reports every day.


On growing older, I wondered, if there are 3 reported deaths per day in one city, how many would there be all over the country? NCRB answered that question - roughly one dowry death every hour in India. Consistently. Since 2001, that number(deaths per hour) has not crossed 2.




What is the problem?


Dowry Deaths in India from 2001 to 2016 Source: NCRB data

I have added a Trend Line to the graph so we can clearly see the DIRECTION of the crime. In 2014, the worst year yet, a woman lost her life to dowry every 52 minutes.


This is not going to be a post about the causes of dowry. We all know the causes of dowry deaths.


What can we do to stop dowry deaths?
Here is what you need to consider - of the literally THOUSANDS of cases that I have read over the years (all the way from 1988), not ONE has happened right after the marriage. All deaths, every single one of them, is preceded by abuse. Months and years of abuse. Abuse that the woman almost always reports to her family.


There is a separate legal clause that deals with harassment for dowry.


The ratio of abuse to death cases ranges from 13:1 to 10:1. For every woman who is killed, at least 9 to 12 other women suffer dowry related abuse - so much that they make a formal complaint.


This is what makes one angry:


The parents, in every single case, turn a blind eye to the plight of the woman. The dowry death happens in the marital home. If you know your daughter is being abused or harassed for dowry, what is she doing in her marital home?


If a parent endangers the life of their daughter by forcing her to stay in a physical space where it is known that she is in danger, should the said parents not be prosecuted? In suicide, this is abetment to suicide. In murder, this is being a complicit accomplice.


I honestly feel that there should be a change in the law. Parents who ignore a daughter's plea related to dowry abuse, should be prosecuted. They should not be the petitioners. They should be the co-accused. How can you put your own child in almost certain danger, and then cry hoarse when that danger comes true?


Counter - For every woman who dies, 9 to 12 do not. They continue to live in their marital homes. So if the daughter raises an alarm, should she be removed from that danger?


If you were a husband or in law abusing a girl for dowry, would you stop, if you knew that the girl will be removed from the marital home AND there will be a police complaint against you? Yes, I think that a lot of men will stop then. Because dowry harassment is bullying. And in its most fundamental form, bullying is an act of cowardice that cannot stand up to courage. In the face of courage, it wilts and succumbs.


Yes, the problem and the solution are not that simple. But I simply cannot find a way to forgive parents who allow their daughters to remain in danger in their marital homes and then cry hoarse when the girl dies.


The problem is with the perpetrators. But the perpetrators are not just the people who commit the crime. The definition of "perpetrator" must be expanded to include the people who, through passive complicity, allow the crime to happen and in fact, create conditions that give the perpetrator the courage to take the step from harassment to abuse to murder. There were no consequences for what was done earlier. Why should one fear consequences for this? (At a conviction rate of 34%, the absence of fear is completely justified, but that's for another day)


I don't usually agree with Gandhi, but this one: "The criminal commits the crime, the society prepares it." , can be completely translated to "The in laws commit the crime, the parents prepare it."

On Instinct

This is why you should trust your instinct: Your instinct is this massive AI engine inside your head, with a processing power for which we have not invented a term yet. It is hooked to the giant internet of other energy fields, other people's brains and it takes and processes inputs faster than your senses can acknowledge things. It knows, identifies and processes the micro expressions and the other sensory inputs, combines them with the wisdom gained from its own historical experiences and gives you a directive output.


Its not "intuition." - Its the world's best known super computer at work. And that is why you should listen to your "instinct". Its pure science.


PS: Within a week, two of my contrarian "instincts" have come out to be true. Am waiting for a third to happen. :)

Loneliness, and Investment in not being lonely

What is the problem?

With 3 celebrity suicides, the world is currently focusing on depression, mental health and allied issues. But long before these happened, I have also seen loneliness become almost an epidemic.

And I have been thinking deeply about it. Where does it begin? How do we get lonely in a world full of people?

It is, I think, basically this - deep connections are hard work. They need a lot of repair and revival. They need a lot of conscious effort. But they are not necessary on a day to day basis. On a day to day basis, shallow 'positive strokes' that come from other places - office, for instance, or buddy lunches, or conferences and events, are quite enough. We only realise that we are lonely after a few years. But by then, it is too late. We are not able to trace the cause back to fundamental absence of deep human connect. And then begins the downward spiral into depression.

The picture above is the first part of a sketch note. I wondered why, on a day to day basis, we find more gratification in our offices than in our homes. All of us know that in office, we are just cogs in a wheel, but at home, we are the centres of an entire universe. Yet, across gender, age and level, most people find more gratification in office interactions than in family ones.

Why does it happen?

After thinking a lot, I could isolate 3 major reasons:

A. Instant Gratification / Minor Appreciations - Finish a report? You get a micro compliment. Helped a colleague? A minor positive stroke is immediate. There are tonnes of instant gratification moments in a work day. These include everything from the smile of the tea boy to appreciation from a senior.

B. Sense of tangible achievement: Everything from the annual PMS to minor tasks that are "Complete" - give a sense of accomplishment. No such luck at home. Leaky pipes, faulty switches, dirty dishes give no sense of tangible achievement.

C. Novelty and Variety:  A family has perhaps 10 stakeholders - including the gardener and the milk vendor. The office, by contrast, offers twice that number at least. Further, there are groups and sub groups, and an opportunity to do gossip. There is variety of both stakeholders and interactions.



Suppose I want to change that. What can I do?

A. Instant Gratification: "Good Morning" , "This is good" - common courtesies and small compliments(aka Positive strokes) that are so basic to office behavior need to be re-introduced to the house. With positive strokes, instant gratification will return to our lives.

B. Sense of Tangible Achievement: 2 ways -

1. Create goals as a family  and track their progress. "We will take a foreign holiday next year.", "I will score above 80 in science this year end." , "I will lose 10 kilos of weight." And needless to add, in tracking those goals, build each other, don't run each other down. Don't laugh at failures, and don't equate the failure of the initiative with the person.

2. Simple, but powerful - play games as a family. Don't underestimate the power of winning and the lessons of losing.

C. Experiences: This can be done in 2 ways -

1. Widen your social network - grandmother's friend, the neighbour, wife's childhood buddy - open your heart and calendar to get to know the social circle of all family members, widening your own horizon in the process.

2. Share experiences that anyone in the family likes. One person likes adventure holidays, all of us go. Another likes the hills, all of us go. Wider social networks and more varied shared experiences will provide the variety that is the spice of life. Of course, when you see the happiness on their face, that will make it all worthwhile too. 

And finally, here is the complete sketch note. It took me weeks to think this up and a whole day to make (yeah I am kind of slow that way)


Dealing with loneliness with the help of families

War Games based on Indian History

So, it has been a long pending dream of mine to create city building and other games based on Indian history (OK, my dream was limited to the Indus Valley civilisation)


But, Surprise, Surprise! Look what we found on the internet today!


https://www.pcgamer.com/indias-chandragupta-will-wage-war-in-civilization-6-rise-and-fall-expansion/


Civilisation 6 features an Indian king!


AND there is a board game named after Chandragupta!


https://boardgamegeek.com/boardgame/26458/chandragupta


How awesome is that

ASK THE USER!

There is a lie that Apple started in the Tech World and it has now reached ridiculous proportions. The lie was - "The user doesn't know what it wants."


The commercial success of Apple products probably convinced the tech world of the truth of the statement.


BUT, the graveyard of user content based platforms should tell us the exact opposite. These platforms decided to create engagement modes based on their own understanding, tailored the feed to suit their business needs, and generally, forgot to ask the user.


When we design algorithms that learn purely from user behaviour and forget to ask the user, we are basically propagating the myth - the user doesn't know.


Well, here is the new theory - the average user is a reasonably intelligent person who DOES know what they want.


So please change your algorithms to include a module - ASK THE USER. And surprise! You might find a bunch of really intelligent people telling you what you should be doing right and how. They will tell you what they really want to see on your product, what their pain areas are, and how they really want to engage with people they know.


I think this is also relevant for designing enterprise applications (in fact, I have been a huge votary of keeping the end user in the design discussions) - Don't just ask the business process owner. Ask the user.

The Right to Self Determination

So, this is a post that has been in the making for a long time.
Suppose this is how things happened:


If you did not want to go on living, you could make a formal application to that effect. If you have a reason like terminal illness or untreated depression et al, you can state that. Otherwise, you just mention that you want to go. To give this application, you must be above 18 years of age and should be of sound mind.


You have a waiting period of 6 months. For at least 2 consecutive months in these 6, you have to be in therapy actively.


IF, at the end of 6 months, your decision is unchanged, you make a living will to indicate what happens to your mortal remains and also a formal will to put your affairs in order.


Then, in a dignified and legal manner, you go. There is no need to attempt violent methods, no need to hide like a criminal and no need to feel guilty or isolated. If your family and friends are able to, they can be there to share the moment with you.


These are the risks with this approach:


A. The universal issue with self determination - when is it coercion or persuasion? Esp in matters of property etc?
To that, my response is, that such people are already put through enough mental and physical torture. Just giving them that provision is not going to increase the greed of the people around them. Today, such people are subject to unspeakable abuse. Elderly abuse is a separate issue. It continues to find avenues of expression. Some of them take away even this rightful self determination right.


B. What if someone changes their mind mid way?
In this case, it is far more possible for them to indicate this last minute change than in the other, secret, violent ways.


And here is what I think this will do:
1. End all those emotional blackmail episodes of "I will kill myself."
- I personally know of so many people who live under this threat of someone committing suicide and blaming them. I know it is a bluff, a weak emotional blackmail that is never going to be executed.  The minute it becomes possible to put an application, half that bluff will be called.


2. Make it possible for people to talk about depression, end of life thoughts and other things that need help, not censure.
There is no spur of the moment decision. You are promised non criminal passage. SO you are likely to put an application and wait. You are free to talk about it.  You can avoid stupid, violent, and potentially maiming accidents that come from spur of the moment or ill informed decisions related to "methods."
No one censures you. We are able to have conversations that listen, not just preach. We are able to train ourselves to listen and understand, rather than preach and blame and worst of all, patronise.These are conversations that need to happen from one adult to another.


3. End the violence in secret suicide "methods"


4. If you are a child under 18, and you know that you can put in an application and not be treated like a criminal, you are more likely to wait it out. 


5. Most importantly, we have to understand one thing. In the Western tradition, the concept of time is linear. Once you die, you are gone. In the Indian tradition, death is not a dirty word. It is merely the opening of a door. Our concept of time is cyclical. Even 2 generations ago, people spoke about passing on with their family as their time drew near. The families understood and supported this passage. Today, that vital understanding is rubbished by doctors who convince us to use medicines, drugs and other methods simply to prolong life - as if prolonging life was an end unto itself. It is not. Even today, the passing of a person who has seen extended family is celebrated, not mourned. If you go to rural India, you will see a much more accepting view of death. That view makes it possible for people to treat dying as a natural consequence of living, and not a traumatic experience that must be avoided at all costs.


Disclaimer: Yes, I have been a part of the people who are left behind after a suicide. I have gone through the guilt and the constant wondering and the non stop "Why?". I KNOW what its like to be in the immediate circle. But I also know what happens when we change the conversations. When we focus on the will of the person and not on the will of other people around them. When we talk of passing as a loving moment and not a tragic moment. It happened with my father - one week before he actually did pass. It meant a lot to him that I just UNDERSTOOD that he wanted to go. It meant a lot to me to give him that understanding.


The right to live includes the right to die. And no one should be made to feel like a criminal for that. Self determination is an important thing for a civil, free society.

Trishna aur Mrigtrishna

तृष्णा का अंत तृप्ति में हो सकता है,
पर मृगतृष्णा का अंत केवल मृत्यु ही है 


Desire may possibly end with the fulfilment of the desire,
But mirages only lead to death.


Know whether what you seek is a desire or a mirage.

New Taxation that I would like to see

Everyone is saying that Income Tax rates are too high. I agree. I believe it is time to move from individual earning taxation to taxing on the basis of the burden an individual puts on the ecosystem.


So these are the 2 taxes I want:
1. Children Tax: The state allows you to have 2 children. You want more than that, you better be able to afford them and compensate for their carbon footprint on the world.


There's more: In a Christian wedding, before you get married, you have to undergo mandatory counselling in the church. I believe this is an excellent way to prepare people for life changes. There should be a mandatory mental fitness test that parents should have to pass before they have children. This will put an end to people who have kids just to get rid of pesky relatives. If you don't have it in you to be responsible for a child for 18 years, then please don't have children.


While adoptive parents have to prove a thousand things, the State takes no measures to ensure the safety and well being of biologically born children. If a couple is not fit to be a parent - they should not be allowed to have children. Because children are a nation's collective resource. And no child should be abused or ignored by indifferent parenting. Parenting is not a right or a fertility contest. Its a responsibility. If you can't take it, have the courage to tell your families. And to yourself.


2. Trash Tax: A person should be taxed on the basis of how much trash they generate. Commercial establishments too. This will ensure that 5 star hotels start serving their guests water in glass tumblers instead of generating plastic waste for every 200 ml of water their guests drink. This will ensure that people think before they buy. A mindful consumer will be rewarded in this way and the environment will be automatically better. Amazon will start shipping in containers that actually match the product being shipped. And people will learn to not waste food. If you do not do waste segregation at source, you should have to pay extra because someone else has to do it for you.


The Trash Tax will reduce consumerism, and therefore, will be bitterly opposed by the major companies of the world. I think it is time we decided, as a species, which we need more - the world, or the  growth of the companies.


The world has enough for our need, not enough for our greed. - This quote is usually attributed to Gandhi.

4 kos par paani badle, 8 kos par baani..

४ कोस पर पानी बदले, ८ कोस पर बाणी। 


This is an old saying from India that means, literally translated, "The quality of the groundwater will change after every 4 kos (12km app) , and the dialect will change at 8 kos (app 24 km) .


Here is what it means, specifically for the anthropologists:

 The 24 km diameter is a coherent unit of human habitation. Just like they found out that a person cannot have more than 150 "real" friends, someone extapolated that dialect must change beyond a certain point. A coherent, uniform settlement unit will use the same dialect.
 

I have found this one liner very useful when it comes to understanding differences in people - they grew up with different resources (4 kos par paani badle) and with different ideas, ideals and social structures (8 kos par baani)

Lohri Traditions

Makar Sankranti is a festival that is celebrated all over the country. Sharing here, the Lohri/Maghi traditions of Punjab. Please share the traditions of your own culture. It will be great to have a compendium.

1. Til Mooli

In the morning, before we eat anything else, every member of the family takes a small piece of radish, and a pinch of black sesame seeds. They sit with another member of the family (usually someone older) and take 5 resolutions for the coming year. These are the things they value in life. The person sitting with them confirms each resolution verbally. It is a very beautiful exchange. Usually, they go something like:

Til mooli chakhaan? (Should i taste this Til mooli?)

Response: Chakho ji. (Please do)

Ghar Parivar rakhaan? (May i value my family this year)

Response: Rakho Ji. (Please do)

Vyapaar Maan Rakhan? (May i value my trade and my prestigs?)

Response: Rakho ji.

Deh Rogta Rakhaan? (Wellness)

Rakho Ji.

Yaar Dost Rakhaan? (My friendships)

Rakho Ji.

I love the Til Mooli tradition. It forces us to focus on the 5 things that matter most in life, and provide a verbal affirmation to value them in the year.

2. Mai De Lohri

Small batches of girls and boys go from house to house, singing traditional Lohri songs and collecting goodies from every household. This is the Indian Trick or Treat. There is a song for girls and one for boys.

You can get them here: http://www.lohrifestival.org/lohri-songs.html

3. The Bonfire

Perhaps the best known tradition of Lohri is the bon fire. At this time, the Rabi crop is either just harvested, or near there. People take this corn, rabri, gajak, peanuts and other winter goodies. They light a bon fire and circle it (almos always,this is a community bon fire, around which there is much singing and dancing and fun). Once you have circumambulated the fire, your Lohri basket becomes "prasad" and you must share it with the other families, also partaking of theirs.

4. The song and dance

Self explanatory.

5. The "Bai Khichdi"

On the night of Lohri, the family makes chana dal khichdi and keeps it overnight. The next morning, the whole family eats only bai khichdi. That old khichdi is symbolic of everything that the previous year stood for. With that breakfast, we bid adieu to every resentment and happiness of the previous year. With that breakfast, our association with the previous year is over.

6. The "First Lohri"

The first Lohri of a couple, or of a newborn, is considered very special. There is much celebration, and people travel to be with their families for the First Lohri of a special arrival in the family.

KNow Your Prakriti

Have you ever wondered why the gharelu nuskhe and home remedies work for some ppl and not for some others? The answer lies in the first chapter of Charaka Samhita, which I read during pregnancy.

Every body is composed of Triguna and Tridosha. These determine your prakriti or constitution. Every food item has its own Rasa and Sattva (essence), which in turn has an effect on the Guna/Doshas.

One of the first things we must do, is to understand not only our "Dosha" but also our "Guna". I am saying this specifically bcs the Ayurveda practitioners I speak to work on dosha.

The Triguna is - Satvik, Rajsik, Tamsik. The Tridosha is - Vaat, Pitta, Kapha. These determine everything about you - your temperament, ailments, what medicines will work for you, et al.

If you take a remedy that does not work with your prakriti, it will not have the same effect.

So, the takeaway from this early morning gyaan is this - maybe we should become aware of our own prakriti, and then align our food, actions and lifestyle, to that prakriti. It will bring a lot of harmony to our lives and wellness. For instance, my guna is Satvik. Accordingly, I don't eat meat or rich food. I cannot be in places where there is anger or greed.