Friday, November 16, 2012

3 Life Lessons

1. If you find yourself in love with a person (especially if you are a girl/woman), ask yourself this question, and ask it long and hard:
DO you love the person, or are you responding to his/her need for you?

A lot of us, when "in love" are just responding to someone's need for us. it fulfils a deep need inside us - to be needed, wanted. To us, being needed and wanted is the same as being loved. It is not. Both make you feel better about your self worth, but they are 2 different things.

Ask yourself: if this person did not love me as he does, would i still love him? If the answer is yes, great. If the answer is no, ask yourself why you feel "in love" with this person.

2. A lot of times, when we "love" another person, are we fulfilling their need to be loved, or our need to love? The need to love is as strong a human need as the need to be loved.
We need to transmit love to other people. Its innate.

If you find time for them, not when they need you, but when you want to meet them, you are fulfilling your need to love, not their need to be loved. To love someone, you have to try to be there when they want you, because thats when they need loving. Think of it like this:

I am thirsty. I ask you for water. You are watching TV then and you dont feel like getting me water. i just ask someone else to get it for me, or i get it myself. A while later, you feel like doing something nice for me, and get me a glass of water. but you see, i m not thirsty any more. i dont need that water then. i needed it some time ago.

That is the difference between fulfilling our Need to Love and fulfilling someone's need to be loved.

3. Very, very often, you will find the need to make a choice - of external "success" and greater "acceptance" and doing what your heart desires. They are not always mutually exclusive, but very few of us truly, really want to spend our lives amassing more wealth. However, we are scared to live our lives because that might take away the next promotion, the next hike, and put u out of the league of your batchmates.
A lot of people may not like you for being yourself without caring. But if you have that one thing - integrity, you will also have that other thing - peace with yourself. You have to decide if peace with yourself is a fair prize for the pain of not being as rich as your batchmates. And if its not, if external acceptance is what gives you internal peace, then be honest about it.

And these are the 3 things i have learnt in life.
1. If you are responding to someone's need for you, understand that. Understand the difference between loving someone and being needed by them and therefore feeling worthy. Its an important difference, though it affects different people differently.

2. If you love someone, be there when they need you. If there is a conflict of calendar, ask yourself which of the 2 activities will matter more 20 years from now. The important moments are usually in the unimportant activities.. a shared story book, a quiet wink, a bedtime kiss, a shared breakfast, a simple drink with a long lost friend whom we were too busy to meet again. This is the stuff memories are made of.

3. Do what gives u peace - if its sticking to your core personality, do that. If its external acceptance, then do that. But do exactly what gives you peace. Life is like a river. If you dont choose your direction, the water will give you a direction anyway. Choose your direction. You are not floatsam.


Saturday, November 03, 2012

Understanding Rape..

We cannot understand what it is like to be raped. We cannot know it unless it happens to us. When a house is burgled, we can move away from the house and try to remove the memories, make a fresh start. But when it happens to your body.. the defeat.. and the powerlessness above all else, stays with you for the rest of your life.

What can we do for rape?

50 years ago, if a boy eve teased, and the girl raised her slippers, the rest of the street joined her in beating up the boy. The complaint would reach his house where his ashamed parents would apologise to the community and hit the boy black and blue. "aapke ghar mein bhi behan beti hai" was euphimism for "it can happen to anyone. including you, unless you stop your son from doing it to others now."

Today, ppl snigger when a girl is eve teased or even probed in public. shifty eyes wait to see how far the set of hands can go before the embarassed girl gets off the bus or the street or whatever. physical violence against women who "break the norm" is considered "ok."

When you see someone eve tease, join others in shaming him. even if it takes 2 minutes of your time. that meeting is not as important as this.

At the very least, we can take the blanket of shame that is put on the victim and put it on the perpetrator. Do not meet ppl socially if you know they have been in a crime like this. Yes, they are moneyed and a thousand other ppl will step in to fill your shoes. But it wont be you. And thats important.

Thursday, November 01, 2012