What will you do?

So, all these geniuses telling us how they were able to make this or that in such a short time using AI? 

It reminds me of a story i read in a book long time ago. It was in Africa. The author was going.. I think.. to Addis Ababa. He saw an old man walking on the side of the road. He was in a car. 

"Where are you going?" 

"To Addis ababa" 

"How long will it take you?"

"Five days." 

The author thought about it for a while. He was going to reach that city much sooner. 

"Why don't you come with me? We will get there much faster!" 

"How will that help?" 

"You will save five days!"

"What will I do with the saved five days?" 

- It is the last question, that we are not pausing to ask. 

And, imho, we should. 

If the purpose of life is to live, then how does saving time on one activity help the process of living? Living, by definition, IS the act of doing things.. not saving time doing this thing so you can jump to the next thing, and then the next. 

* IRL, i do work with AI - extensively. That is why this observation. 

Venting

And once more, the internet

A. Took a holistic view of the symptoms and results. 

B. Gave me a plausible, real diagnosis that I could work with. 

C. Gave a clear follow up plan. 

Consistently, i have been failed by doctors. Every single time. 

A recurrent UTI that was actually an autoimmune disorder? - Undiagnosed for 12 years. I finally got sick of it and sat and researched on my own. Hundreds of patient experiences recounting how their doctors misdiagnosed, trivialised their experience, and prescribed antibiotics where none were needed. Literally hundreds of them! All with the same autoimmune disorder that either a doctor somewhere or the patients themselves diagnosed. 

Fatigue that was unexplained - Undiagnosed for more than a decade. A full cardiac checkup later, i was told about hallucination, losing weight, and other useless suggestions. ONE patient, on a patient support group discussion board named the condition ACCURATELY. THEN, I went to a doctor and said, "Treat me for this. I am responsible for the outcomes." She did. I responded to the treatment immediately. After 10 years of being on a blood thinner with no answer other than "You are fat." OR "This happens." 

And now, the same fatigue. Blood tests ordered but not considered before putting me on a "Lose weight and see" treatment. The report said - Grade 1 diastolic dysfunction. The doctor said, "Everything is fine. I can't do anything more." and refused to do further investigation on blockages, if any. My accompanying friend even said, "Some blockage will anyway be there." What they forgot to say? I am not supposed to have Grade 1 diastolic dysfunction at this age. Grok took ALL my reports - the heart, the blood work, and created a viable next step. It told me a likely diagnosis, and two follow up tests that will help me rule out the condition or confirm it. Tests that my doctor neither mentioned nor considered EVEN when i was literally asking him, "So why am I unable to exercise as i could even two weeks ago?" 

A friend who says, "Why are you fussing so much over your health?" 

Another adult in the house, who generally does not care, responding with, "But why would a doctor NOT give more investigation? In corporate hospitals, they are the first to investigate MORE, not less." 

I don't know. I don't care. All I know is that doctors have failed me and thousands of patients like me. And the internet has not. 

And this is why doctors do not have my vote. Not in the campaign against AI, not in the campaign of "Look how hard they work." They might work. They just didn't work for me. It is God's grace that i need a doctor rarely. But every single time, i have only met with trivialisation and lack of genuine listening. 

And God save you if you ever tell a doctor they are fucking wrong. Because God can be wrong, but not Doc. 

The small earthen gullak

Today's gratitude is for a small earthen gullak. 

In the temple of the house, we have a small earthen gullak. Some days, after we pray, we put a currency note in it. 

When we feel that the gullak is full, we wait. 

When someone calls for financial support for a medical/health/rehabilitation need, we break open the gullak and whatever is there in that, is transferred. The thought is that this money carries also our prayers. So, its not just the money. We also, in spirit, transfer prayers for healing.

Over the years, I have made 2-3 simple practices - when an ambulance passes, i send up a prayer. While passing a hospital, i send a prayer. (Like people do with a temple or gurudwara). 

But it is with this gullak that the power of prayer really manifests. Over the years, everyone we have given the gullak to, we have shared the back story also. Every single time, they choked up on the part where we shared that this is our prayers. Not on the money. On the prayers. 

Last week, my guruji came home. His grandson had just had a severed finger in a domestic accident. For the first time, I brought the gullak out, not for the money, but for the prayers it contained. And for the first time in a decade of knowing him, I saw this 74-year-old person cry. 

The grandson is healing. Slowly.

A lady whose husband had been in and out of the hospital for more than 2 years, and a 16-year-old teen to manage at home, cried when i told her about the prayers. "No one prays for me. No one. Handling the husband is one thing. Handling a 16-year-old, is another. We don't have money for her birthday party also! I am... so tired." She did not need prayers. She needed the idea that someone was praying for her and her family. That someone cared. We are still in touch (coincidentally, my son was 16 at that time too, so i completely understood the challenge). 

 A poetry friend whose relative needed this help, said thank you when i asked for the account details. But when i told him the concept of the gullak, he paused. Like, really paused. He is generally a very articulate person, but this time, after a while, he said, "Did you teach this to your son too? To keep a gullak for wellness?" When i said that we have always done it this way, he said, "That is the most beautiful home practice that I have heard. You must tell more people about this." 

And that is how, this post is being written. A few months after he asked me to write it. 

About yesterday's poetry gathering

I am still reeling under the effect of yesterday's conversations. 

When we decided to discuss poets and what they mean to us, I was not too enthused because I routinely find such "explanations" get too scholarly and for me, poetry is about emotion, about taking that tornado that has been sleeping in your soul and making it real. 

But yesterday I realised something new - when we take words and add what they did to us, the conversation becomes real for EVERYONE. When Minal spoke about how Harivanshrai Bachchan was the first serious interest in poetry - both for her and for her son, it was not just appreciation of classic poetry. It was that invisible thread that ties us to each other. For parents and children, especially, the cultural reference points are seldom same. The music that shapes them is different, the books they read are different, even the language used to express emotions is not the same.  

In discussing Sahir, what stood out for me was how deeply one poet can enter another. It is not the same as "being under the influence of". It is like someone enters your soul and helps you understand and express yourself. I got the sense that that is what Sahir has done for Harsh. 

Jaun Eliya, of course, was reimagined for all of us. Many years ago, a friend introduced me to Jaun. He then gifted a book of Jaun which i read and was hugely underwhelmed. I really did not understand what all the fuss was about. But EVERY single time someone recites Jaun Eliya, I find the words to be magical. Hearing someone else recite him acts as the catalyst that brings the poet alive. 

But what Sankalp did with Jaun was not just interpret the intrepid nature of Jaun's poetry or his universally known irreverence. He brought that irreverence into us. For a while, we threw the world to the wind and felt exactly as Jaun would have liked us to feel. "Nahi to" remains a highlight of yday's renditions. 

The poetry that flows from the poet is always super special. Kavita mein shabd se bhi zyada, i observe what the poet goes through as they put their words out. And its always heartwarming to see that. :) 

kshanika

पतझड़ और शिशिर के बाद 

पेड़ों को मिलता है 

बसंत 

पत्तों को 

सद्गति। 

पेड़ या पत्ता होना 

नियति भी हो सकती है 

और निर्णय भी 

Kshanika

भूकंप के बाद 

घर वाले 

फोन कर के पूछते हैं, 

"सब ठीक है न?" 

भूकंप. के.        बाद.  

स्मृति और विस्मृति

 तुम्हारे जाने पर 

मैंने शोक संदेश नहीं लिखा 

न भावभीनी श्रद्धांजलि 

न ज़्यादा गला फाड़ कर रोना 

तुम्हारे तन को 

पवित्र अग्नि को अर्पित किया 

और तुम्हें 

अपने भीतर बिठा कर 

अपने घर ले आई। 

पहले पूजा घर में 

फिर रसोई में 

अब पूरे घर में 

रहते हो तुम, 

पिता। 

मेरे मरने पर 

मेरी मिट्टी को 

अग्नि के सुपुर्द करना

और मुझे  

नदी में बहा आना, 

बेटे। 

Hamaare baare mein

मुझे लगता था तुम आक* हो, और मैं पानी। 

एक को दूसरे को खाली होने तक सींचना होगा, और फिर खाली हाथ वापिस मुड़ जाना होगा।  

पर हम और तुम, धतूरा और आक हैं। साथ में उगते हैं। कोई पालने नहीं आता, पर ज़रूरत के समय हम से लेने में कोई संकोच नहीं करता^। 

ऊपर से देखने पर हम में कोई समानता नहीं है, पर भीतर ही भीतर - जड़ों से और वायु(+) से, हम एक दूसरे का पोषण करते हैं। 

ये कहानी आगे नहीं बढ़ती, हम पर खत्म हो जाती है। पर क्षणभंगुर कहानी को भी होने का अधिकार है। 

RTC: 

+https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gyOTlBlFEuo

^ धतूरा और आक दोनों शिवरात्रि पर शिव को चढ़ाए जाते हैं। कुछ वैद्य दोनों का उपयोग दावा में करते हैं और कुछ पशुओं के लिए ये खाद्य हैं। इसलिए इन्हें घर पर उगाया नहीं जाता, पोषित नहीं किया जाता, पर इन से लिया जाता है। 

*आक एक खरपतवार (weed) स्वत: उगने वाला पौधा है। इसके पत्ते बकरियों के लिए उत्तम हैं परंतु मनुष्य के लिए ज़हरीले हैं। इसे प्राय: घरों में न उगाया जाता है न उगने दिया जाता है। पौधा बहुत सख्तजान होता है। रेगिस्तान में भी आसानी से उगता और पनपता है। इसलिए राजस्थान जैसे रेतीले क्षेत्रों में बहुधा पाया जाता है।   

On doomscrolling

 Doomscrolling 3 तरह की होती है : 

1. की बनु दुनिया दा? - Worry for the world (war, ecology, ur apocalypse of choice) 

2. मेरा क्या होगा कालिया? - I am doomed. 

3. बाद में? बाद में सिर्फ... - There is no hope anyway. We are all doomed. In the long run, we are all dead. 

So, what's your favourite flavour of doomscrolling? 

1. Pineapple Apocalypse (Stings with every bite but we go on nonetheless) 

2. Syrupy Self doom (Oh, the sweet, sweet taste of self-predicted failure!) 

3. Chocolate No Hope (100% bitter cocoa, and so addictive!)