Book Review: Saaye se mukhatib by Sanju Shabdita

पुस्तक मेले से ढूंढ धाँध कर लाई किताब का अपना दंभ होता है। कोई नाम नहीं, कोई समीक्षा नहीं। मन ने शब्दों को चुना होता है। 

घर आ कर जब ये शब्द पढ़ कर मन से वाह! निकलती है, तो वह कुछ कुछ ऐसी होती है जैसे मन पसंद चाय की चुस्की! 

कविता की किताब अपनी बात खुद कह सकती है। उसे कहने देते हैं ... 

खुद ही प्यासे हैं समंदर तो फकत नाम के हैं 

भूल जाओ कि बड़े लोग किसी काम के हैं 

दस्तकें खास उसी वक़्त में देता है कोई 

चार-छ: पल जो मेरी उम्र में आराम के हैं 

********** 

वो संग दिल जो अभी रो पड़ा तो इल्म हुआ 

कि उस पहाड़ के सीने में एक झरना है 

***** 

अचानक रुक गई तो देखती हूँ 

मेरे चलने से रिश्ता चल रहा था 

******** 

मैं जागती हूँ मुझे काम कुछ नहीं आखिर 

वो सो गया है उसे काम पर निकलना था 

***** 

ज़िंदगी भर जमीन का खाया 

मरने तक आसमान को सोचा 

***** 

हमें नसीब मिला है किसी जज़ीरे का 

खुशी के बीच में रह कर उदास रहना है 

********* 

तुम्हारी धमकियों पर जां सदके 

दिले बर्बाद को अब क्या ही खतरा 

******** 

ईमान ले कर आई हूँ बाजार में जरूर 

पर बेचना नहीं है मुझे देखना है भाव 

******* 

थोड़ी सी दिल में क्या जगह मांगी 

वो मुहाजिर समझ रहे हैं मुझे 

*********** 

हम अंधेरे में रहने वाले लोग 

गिनते रहते हैं गिनती 100 तक की 

*** 

ख्वाब सब मेरे मुकम्मल हो गए 

नींद भी तेरे बिना आने लगी 

**** 

मेरी उदास मिजाज़ी पे मत तरस खाओ 

मैं वो ग़ज़ल हूँ जिसे सब की दाद हासिल है 

******** 

NCIS Fan Fiction: Tony and Ziva

Maybe it is the unfinished that goads us more than the finished. 

NCIS is a good crime show. I like police procedurals bcs they follow the path of predictability. In NCIS, forensics, footwork, and psychology come together to create a cogent narrative in each case. 

BUT, it is Tony and Ziva - the unfinished business, that really haunts. 

So, after Tony redeemed himself in S7 E 1, one expected them to move to a reln shortly after. 

BUT they don't. Not for a long time. 

The authors have their logic, of course, but we don't. 

I told a colleague about being frustrated with this aspect of the show being really unrealistic. The rest of the show has a plausible storyline. But Tony and Ziva is just off the whack. 

She challenged me to write my own story. And i did. Then I did what any fledgeling author does - showed it to AI and asked it to give suggestions. Thats when i realised that there is an entire fanfic body of work that addresses the same plothole that was bugging me! 

But first, here's mine. It takes place S8, before the Eli David coming to Washington episode: 

Setting: Late night at the NCIS office. Everyone else has gone home and Tony and Ziva are the only ones, packing up. 

Ziva is wearing a white blouse with blue trousers. The blouse is knotted in the front. She pairs it with a gold links necklace. Diamond stud earrings. Hair loose, falling to the right of her face. 

Tony is wearing a pale blue monochrome cotton/linen shirt with dark blue trouers and a classy belt. No jacket, but in the background we can see his jacket on the chair back of his desk. HIs belt is a Dolce with just a hint of gold glint. This gold glint is later used with lighting to just produce a little bit of mystique about him. The brand does not scream, but it contributes to the rest of the story. 

Tony: Should we start over? 

Ziva: Start over what? 

Tony: The story. 

Ziva(understanding and a little confused, just looks at him) 

Tony walks towards her, stands right by her desk but does not lean in: That story in which we start off on the wrong foot. I tease you, you hate me. 

Ziva (sharply): I don't hate you!! 

Tony: No you just love McGee more. 

Ziva, smiles, shakes her head, and looks down. 

There is a pause. Tony is looking straight at her, but not saying anything. Ziva is looking down, then looking to her right as she does. 

Tony: Spit it. 

Ziva: Spit what? 

Tony: Why you won't see what's in plain sight. 

Ziva: And now you are going to say something irritating. 

Tony: Nope! Not this time. This time, I will wait. Until we talk. Until YOU talk. 

Ziva: I gotta go. 

Tony: Not tonight, you don't. Tonight, wherever you go, we go together. Until 

Ziva: Until what? 

Gibbs (passing by): Until you finish the talk i told u to do, Giva. (pauses next to Tony. Looks straight at Ziva and then at Tony. Does NOT do the Gibbs nod. He does do the Gibbs understanding eyes smile. Then he leaves) 

Ziva looks visibly restless but Tony is looking at her in that same way like Sahara desert. Straight. Unblinking. 

Ziva: What do you want me to say? 

Tony: Take a Truth serum, Ziva, and tell me (pauses, moves to face her, then starts to circle her really close, moving to the right first. Ziva's eyes follow him, but they are placed at the belt level. Tony's eyes are on Ziva throughout). He moves to her right, crosses her without touching her, but then stands, exactly side by side, looking at her unflinching. But not saying anything. When Tony stops, Ziva looks up at him: 

(this is not the exact scene in my mind but this is the best AI could do) 

Ziva: Tell you what? 

Tony : You do not see me as a man capable of passion. You see me as the town clown. As the crackpot who cracks jokes at everything and everyone. Who is never serious. Who does not, cannot, love... 

Ziva: (looks away, to her left, facing away from Tony): But you CAN love. I have seen it. (RTC: Tony's love for Jeanne Benoit, S4) 

Tony: Oho! So thats why! 

Ziva: No. That's not why. 

Tony: Then why? 

Ziva: Its not you, Tony. Its me. I cannot be trusted. 

Tony (appears surprised for just a second. Then turns 180 degrees, takes her hand, and sighs): THIS is going to be a long night. 

Ziva (first appears concerned, then that look of having figured something out, and then she says nothing, but starts walking with Tony towards the lift. Her face is inscrutable. There is that cover of determination and nonchalance, but her eyes look troubled and unsure. Closest scene parallel, after she has just killed Ari and walks down the stairs, where we see her face for the first time)

Background music starts: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s11K70Xs1cE&list=RDs11K70Xs1cE&start_radio=1 (3rd Movement (Andante) from Bach's Sonata No. 2 in A minor, BWV 1003).

They find Abby stepping out of the lift. Abby is dressed in white in a tennis dress silhouette, with black piping on the sides to accentuate her figure. 

 (In my imagination, Abby's dress is knee length, but the AI refused to co operate) 

She looks from Tony to Ziva, then at their hands, and then, she takes a step towards Tony, stares at him straight, then turns to Ziva and asks "Is that...?" 

Tony and Ziva leave hands immediately and Ziva snaps "Absolutely not!" 

Abby is stunned by Ziva's snapping and hugs her. 

While hugging her, Abby says: The demons are outside, and they are big. Their shadows are inside us, and sometimes, the shadows are bigger than the demons. But here's the fun part - If you walk towards your light, the shadows have no choice but to fall behind you. 

Ziva's face shows shock, but comprehension (same as S8 Ep 8 when Abby tells Ziva fathers do not always return) 

Abby ends the hug, moves back, looks straight at Ziva. Ziva looks at her too. This time, there is some peace and calm on her face, like she has arrived at a decision. Abby leaves away from the elevator, which is surpsiginly still open and waiting for these 2.

*** 

Next shot: 

The final shot is near the Potomac river. The tidal basin path or any other - there is a riverfront on the right, and a walkway on the left. Tony and Ziva are just walking. They keep walking, fingers sometimes touching, usually not. They don't look at each other much. Couple of times, Ziva sees something interesting - a child, something on the river, and turns to Tony. Every single time, Tony looks at her in that exact moment. There is a brief eye contact, but no conversation. Ziva appears at peace. Not happy, smiling, or anything. Just at peace. Like she has never lookedin the series so far. 

They reach the base of a statue and Ziva sits down. Tony sits to her right, shoulders touching, but same step, so no one is higher or lower. No one says anything. We can hears cicadas or crickets subliminally. The background score (less obvious than crickets is Yanni's Felista) 

Ziva casually puts her arm in Tony's. Tony looks startled. Then he looks at her. She is looking straight at him. But her face radiates peace. Not smile. Not happiness. Peace. 

Tony: Just to be sure, I'm it? (reference to the tag game- You're it) 

Ziva smiles, nods, and then leans in to kiss Tony lightly on the lips. 

She makes that peck on the lips and withdraws. 

Tony leans in and kisses her, deeply this time. 

The cicadas stop in the background. Yanni's felitsa takes over as the main sound. 

************ 

And now, I have the closure I need, even if it is in the head! 

So, I spent a morning reading some Tony and Ziva fan fic. 

Here are some that I liked: 

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/8426594/1/Acknowledgement

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/5399323/1/Answer_to_an_Unasked_Question

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/7008762/1/For-Better-Or-For-Worse

Book Review: Aabshaar by Gul (Guldeep Kaur Dheer)

This book was published in 1989, so doubt its still in print. There is no listed publisher so very likely, it was self published by the poet - Guldeep Kaur Dheer, who writes as "Gul". I just found out that she retired as HoD at Chandigarh, and spoke at the Litfest in 2025! 

The cover is intriguing - simple blue and white image. 

The writing is good in places. In keeping with the norm of the times, focus is on using literary words. 

But the spirit of the poet, thankfully, does not bow to the laws of the poem world all the time. 

Some favorite pieces from the book: 

लाके अपना वजूद इस जहां में 

बना दिया खुदा को, तूने कर्ज़दार 

This is my most favorite sher in the whole book. Some other pieces are lovely too. I will post them shortly. 

कुछ टूट गया है, फिर भी बंधा है कुछ 

किस अदा से तूने रिश्ते कि डोर तोड़ी है 

अब अकेले हैं, शशोपंज दोराहे का लिए 

कौन से मोड़ पे तूने ये डगर मोड़ी है 

******* 

मसरूफ़ हैं मसर्रत में, ज़रा ठहरो, 

जन्नत बन रही है खलवत में, ज़रा ठहरो! 

****** 

मुद्दतों मुंतज़िर रहे, इस सवाल के, जो तू पूछे, 

"क्या मेरे बिन, इतने दिन, तू इतनी उदास रही?" 

***** 

गुलों, सितारों तक को राज़दां बनाया तुमने 

इस लंबी फेहरिस्त में, मेरा ही नाम नहीं 

**** 

"सिवा तेरे"  - अच्छी लगी। 

* * 

मौजों में देखते थे, अपने ख्वाबों की ताबीर 

संग डाल के मिटा दी तूने, प्यार की तस्वीर 

** 

न मेरे कदम तेरे डर पे रुकते हैं 

न तेरे लबों से 'ठहरो' की सदा आती है 

बिना बादबां के ज़ीस्त की कश्ती 

चल पड़ती है जिधर से भी मौज आती है 

नहीं नहीं अपनी बेबस नज़रों से हमें न देख 

मेरे हाथों की लकीरों को खुद पे हया आती है 

********* 

खेल खेल में शुरू हुई थी जो बात 

रुकते रुकते अफ़साने तलक आ पहुंची 

मेरे दर्द, मेरी सिसकियों कि आवाज़, 

बेवजह तेरे आशियाने तलक आ पहुंची 

फिर किसी ने बेइरादा छेड़ दिया साज़ 

फिर मेरी ग़ज़ल वीराने तलक जा पहुंची 

शमा ने तो सरापा खुद को लगाई चिंगारी 

इसकी तपश कैसे ज़माने तलक जा पहुंची 

******** 

  

C PTSD notes

This is not really therapy zone, but one thing abt C-PTSD is sooo true. The hard part is not living thru the tough times. That happens. the hard part begins after you are safe. Thats whent he memories attack you - in no particular order, with no warning. You are safe. After years of lack of safety, you know how grateful you should be for that safety. But you are not grateful. You are fearful. And you don't understand why. 

So, after much resistance and nearly a year of therapy, I have had the courage to write abt what C PTSD is doing to the head. 

If this is triggering for you, please do skip these posts. Thank you, for coming back to the blog. I really am grateful for everyone who still visits. 

***********

At first, you will count the days since you last spoke 

Slowly, the days will melt into each other. 

The grief will either solidify into lead or wax. 

If it becomes lead, it will poison you slowly. 

If it becomes wax, it will melt at each heartwarming thing, and burn you just a little bit. 

************ 

Letter to Gen Z

Dear Gen Z 

I'm exhausted. Let's just pass the baton of the world to you and retire. Dealing with you is mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausting. 

You are, at the very least, united in religion - Individualism. "Mental Health" and "Protecting my peace" are the mool mantras of your religion. Ayn Rand would be proud. The rest of us are just perplexed. 

Being inconsiderate is a flex! 

Even though Gen AI came out in November 2022 (that's just 4 years ago), you are incapable of writing an email without it. Your grammar is creative, punctuation misses the point, and the less said about your ability to structure an email, the better. 

You are a generation that grew up on respawning video games and Ctrl Z. The concept of finality, consequences, etc., is alien to you. You also do not need to get anything right the first time because "So what? it can always be done again." We grew up without Ctrl Z. We learnt to get it right the first time. We captured the world through 36 exposure reels, not 1000 shots on an iphone and filters to boot. We do not understand the concept of doing 10 times what can be done right the first time. 

Working with you is like living a nightmare. You do not understand the concept of keeping stakeholders informed. You mess up first and consult later. Your PTO is your not-negotiable birthright. Your KPIs, on the other hand, are completely optional. 

You are constantly asking what everyone else brings to the table. In all these years, I have only seen u bring Zomato or Blinkit deliveries to the table. 

You have SO MANY ideas. So much entitlement that everyone needs to hear your ideas out. Why? Why do we need to listen to half-baked ideas? Learn to refine them, find a presentation layer that is not claude generated, then bring them to everyone else. 

You may not be able to think through a scenario fully, but that has never stopped you from interrupting whoever is trying. 

We want to put you in Sales, but you cannot make a pitch. 

We would put you in Coding, but you cannot do it without Claude. 

We would put you in Law, but you cannot write a brief. 

We would put you in Hospitality, but the hours would kill your mojo. 

We would put you in administration, but balancing 3 things together is too much stress. 

We could put you in teaching, but for that you would have to know something first. 

And finally, dear Gen Z, here is what Gen X would like to say: 

To betray you must first belong. 

To desire you must first deserve. 

And even in the dictionary, Responsibilities come before Rights. 

Please, please, take my responsibilities. Deliver the work. Let us retire and rest. The workplace should not be a battleground of the generations. The future belongs to you. No reason the present also should not. 

Best, 

A tired Gen Xer. 

Why its really, really hard to interact with you: 

You have NO IDEA what Please means. You have never said sorry in life. You do not apologise because in your eyes, you are never wrong. 

When we were in a relationship, it was an exclusive commitment, usually leading to marriage. Sure, we had flings that did not lead to marriage. We did not have a buffet of situationship, FWB, FB, polyamory......it feels like everyone has such a spread of choices now but no one is feeling satiated.  

When we had to break up, we broke up. When we had to fight, we fought. We did not ghost, gaslight, breadcrumb, love bomb, bench, etc. The inability to say "I don't think this is working out" or "I think we need to talk" - WHY are you incapable of saying these sentences? 

You do not understand the concept of respect. Not for seniority, not for intelligence. Not even for good work. Or rizz. Your respect lasts one second, and then you are on to the next distraction. 

You have the memory of a goldfish. You cannot read maps. You cannot navigate your neighbourhood without a maps app. You cannot talk to strangers. We walked to a park and joined whoever was playing whatever. We made friends with fellow passengers 15 minutes after the train rolled out of the station and reached everywhere using paper maps and asking strangers for directions. We learnt how to get along with people because we NEEDED to. You don't. 

Mark Twain once said - The world owes you nothing. In your mind, the world owes you EVERYTHING. It is you who owes the world nothing. 

Ghazal

बड़े हैरान हो जी मेरी चालाकियों से 

ये सब चालाकियाँ तुम ही से सीखी हैं। 

 

डोली से उतरी थी सादा दिल गुड्डी

सभी मक्कारियाँ तुम ही से सीखी हैं 

तुम्हीं ने चुप रहना सिखाया है,  

और अय्यारियां तुम ही से सीखी  हैं

What love means?

गौरी के साथ खड़े होने के लिए 

शिव होना पड़ता है 

गंगा को भी धरना हो तो 

गंगाधर होना ज़रूरी है

(बनना नहीं, होना) 

कृष्ण को तो 

राधा भी नहीं मिलती। 

#StrengthOfCharacter 

In Indian mythology, Shiva stands for steadfastness, lack of guile, and straightforward communication. 

Shiva, who was not ostentatious, had Shakti herself perform penance to have him as her husband. 

When she jumped into the fire of her father's sacred yagya, a distraught Shiva carried her body until the Gods were forced to intervene. Every place that a part of her body fell, is a Shaktipeeth temple (a seat of power). 

Shiva is not known to have any other wives. 

Krishna stands for demonstrative, evident, but non-exclusive love. In mythology, Krishna has 8 wives, 16,000 consorts, but not Radha. 

The piece is trying to say that for a worthy woman to choose you, you have to be worthy on the inside. You cannot try to be a person worth having. You have to inherently BE that person. A person who is demonstrative can become folklore, but cannot have the love in real life. That takes demonstrated character every single day. 

For someone to trust you (Ganga trusted Shiva to hold and support her as she descends from the heavens to Earth), you have to BE trustworthy. You cannot learn it, you have to BE it. 

Was talking to some colleagues and the question came up - what does love mean to you? Hence the title. 

Dear Canva 

My Teams Pro subscription expired primarily because I just wasn't using you enough. 

You discontinued the Teams package altogether and upped the cost to 5x for the same work. Not bad. 

There is no customer support to talk to. So, no, not gonna sign up. 

The desktop app is a very nice touch. Not needed, but nice touch. 

The way you deleted all my content, however, is another story.  

The difference between having a human to talk to and not having a human to talk to - is the subscription revenue of folks who don't really need your service, but take it all the same. And customers who wanted to talk to someone before moving to competition (which, by the way, is free).  

Regards

Currently-Disgruntled-Ex-Customer 

Tumhare liye

 सुनो, जान! 

तुम झूठ मत बोला करो - 

एक तो तुम प्यारे नहीं लगते 

और दूसरा 

तुम पकड़े जाते हो।