Thoughts on modern relationships

When I left my mother's house, it meant that my parents had no day to day interference in my marital life. It also meant that i was free to visit my parents whenever i wanted, have mom-daughter dates, sis-bro time, daughter dad activities. 

It also meant that my husband never asked me - "So, what did you discuss at home?" That was my prerogative. He also never asked about what was happening in my house. I never told him. 

Here is how it looks when u flip the script: 

His parents have zero say in how you two run your house. His parents can only come visit if BOTH of you accept that they should come. OR if both of you have a policy of anyone-can-invite-guests-over. No concept of "bete ka ghar" 

He is free to visit his parents whenever he wants. He can have mom-son chats, sibling or cousin time, and dad-son dates, shared internal jokes that only they get, to which you are not privy. You are not "joining a family". You are "creating a new family with your husband." You and your husband are both parts of two families - the birth family and the marital family. 

You do not ask him what he talks at home, you have no idea what is going on with the rest of the family. What he discusses with them is his business. 

******* 

Both of us prioritise the time we spend on our careers, and expect the relationship to flourish (or make do) with whatever time is left after our work, long hours, etc. Now, leisure/weekend belongs to both of us equally. If one chooses to go out with friends on that weekend, or sleep in, that is their right. 

What I find is that some partners tend to blame their partner for "not spending time with them" or "not investing in the relationship" if they prioritise other activities. That is not fair. Stress hits everyone differently and 48 hours of stress busting is personal time. It is not fair for one to bully the other. 

***** 

Mother in law rules 

As a boy's mother, i expect to have no relationship with his wife. I do not expect her to extend me anything more than courtesy, just as I plan to extend nothing more than that. The prerogative of initiating a deeper reln is yours, the privilege of accepting, is mine. 

They are not welcome to my assets, home, or labour at their convenience. My son is always welcome, bcs i gave birth to him. I did not give birth to his partner. i am not responsible for her. When she is in my house, she is treated as a valued guest. She will conduct herself as one conducts oneself with a house host. 

I do not want a daughter. You are not my daughter. You are my son's partner. He is the intersection between two family units, just as you are the intersection between two family units - your birth family and your husband.  

Do we meet on family occasions? Will you be invited to larger family gatherings or weddings? Will you be expected to behave in a certain way there? I am not sure. A lot depends on your comfort. If you are not comfortable doing the trad, my son can come alone. 

I do not expect you to learn or further "family traditions". You do you.  

It is every couple's right to have the wedding ceremony of their choice. So, at the wedding, my son will get a lumpsum amount from me. He can choose to do anything with it - buy wife jewelry, make a downpayment on a house, conduct a destination wedding... their call. What we will not do is spend money, time and effort to make your dream of a wedding real. You want a 3 lakh Tarun Tahiliani lehnga? By all means. You want a white and purple orchid theme for pheras? Of course!  Pay for it, arrange for it, break your head with the florist. Good luck! 

Accept the fact that his father and I are separated. You do not get to comment on that separation, just as we don't get to comment on your relationship with your husband. 

Irrespective of what Gibran says, your children ARE your children. No free babysitting. 

If you are dieting or have special food needs, pls carry your food and help yourself when we are all meeting. No pressure to eat what everyone else is eating, no snide remarks, nothing. 

You are almost guaranteed to have a better reln with your fil than with your husband or me. Please refrain from telling us what a wonderful human being he is. Trust me, we KNOW. We are backstage, you are in the audience. We're not the same. 

My son and I should ideally continue to have mom-son dates without you. At least once a month. There was a reln that lasted his whole life. Now, it must change, but it cannot disappear. 

Pls know that i WILL support my son like a rock if the reln turns abusive. And if i suspect that he is the source of abuse, I will reach out to you and talk, irrespective of our non-existent reln. 

What you wear, who you meet, how you manage your career and finances, is between the two of you. How you treat us if we ever visit, that's on you.

Just like I will not tell my son slimy things about you behind your back, you will not do "your mom" complaints behind my back. You have an issue? Talk to me. I have an issue? I will talk to you. Usually, its just communication gaps which become bigger when we go via someone.