On Friendships

As we have all observed, there is an epidemic of loneliness. It doesn't come so much from not having people around, but from not finding companionship in that company. We feel alone even amidst people. 

The other thing that happens is that people tend to ghost a lot more. Suddenly, they are not calling you. Suddenly, they are not around. Or one day, they snap on a relatively small issue and never get in touch again. We are the ones doing it too. Suddenly, it's too much work to stay in touch with so and so irritating friend. 

As an old person, I have been paying some attention to this. Why does this happen? Why were there lifelong friendships among our parents and their friends, but transitory ones for us? 

These are some common themes that I have observed: 

A. Persistence - You will not like all your friends all the time. They will make statements that will make you cringe. Their political ideologies will make you doubt your own sanity. But stay in touch. Respect the person, not their thoughts or actions. Unless there is significant mistrust (with evidence) and disrespect, keep the friendship going. Reach out. 

B. Consistency - If you call each other once a year on birthdays, do that EVERY SINGLE YEAR. If you only ever send one message once a year, send it every year. If you meet on the last Saturday of every month, clear everything else in that time slot. 

Consistency comes from prioritisation. To be consistent in a largely VUCA world, you will have to learn to say NO - to new connections, new opportunities, new distractions. For something to be lasting, you have to make it last. Not lost. 

C. Communication - When someone appears upset with you, ask them why. Then, truly listen to what they are saying. When someone asks you if you are upset, and you are, do tell them what's bothering you. These open communications and fights have become so rare in our forever polite and politically correct world. A good fight, and a good cry, are included in the ingredients for a great, lasting friendship. 

Some of my friendships go back decades, most go back at least a few years. Those whom i know from more recent meets, I am still finding a space with them. When it comes to friendships, I am a tortoise. I move slowly, very slowly, and the end of every friendship hurts. Because each one is treasured and cultivated.