Meditation after a spiritual crisis

Last week, a young boy died. He was in my son's school. For 3 days, the entire school community, every single parent, was praying for that kid. We waited for updates but did not stop praying. 

At the end of those 3 days, we lost him. Even now, I am choking while writing this. 

This incident made me lose all faith in God and meditation. 

For one day, I did not pray. The hands automatically went to the lamp in the temple and lit it. 

I don't remember how long the daze lasted. One day, maybe two. 

When it lifted, I realised, i don't pray for God. I pray for myself. It gives me peace. Meditation is like my relaxation technique. 

A little later, when the head was a little cleared, my meditation reminded me that that evening, at about 5 30 pm, I had been distinctly told that the boy has not made it. I ignored that as my own misgivings and continued to focus on positive messaging. But that one newsflash at 5 30 pm was solid enough for me to remember later. 

It was a mistake. Just like Tejaswee - many years ago. She was not meant to go. Nor was this kid. But they went. It was a horrible, horrible mistake. 

I am yet to get over the shock.

Then, it was time to bring Ganpati Bappa home. We did. 

And, as soon as He came, it was as if my house underwent a transformation. I cannot describe it. There was happiness - in the house, and in the heart. 

This year, I just feel like going and sitting near him for no reason at all. That connection that we feel with Ganpati is back. 

Tonight, as I was talking to Him just before bed, the thought of that boy came up strongly, and He said, I need you to open your arms and visualise the fire from your heart. You do not meditate to do anything for God. You do it to complete your own lessons of this birth. Your own work of this birth. 

Will I still be allowed to experience Ananda? 

Of course! You are always welcome to Ananda. But understand that Ananda is a result of many years of doing good. 

You do not do anything for God. You do it to fulfil your duties and karma in this birth. Ananda does not benefit anyone except you. And it is a privilege. Be grateful for it. It is rare. Value it. Treasure it. You cannot live one day without Ananda* to anchor you. 

*A meditative state that I experience during.. well, meditation.