This is the second conversation in the 2 conversations i mentioned in the earlier blog post.
2 things are happening in our society.
1.
Women are being taught that adjustment is bad ipso facto. The word adjustment is a bad word. You should not have to adjust or make an effort to fit into anyone else's world after marriage. They should accept you as you are.
2.
Woman says - I need to pick up my child from day care, the manager says, "OK" (however grudgingly, but no denial).
A man says, "I need to pick up my child from day care."
Manager: Are you crazy? Who will do the work here?
Woman: I need to take 2 days off. A family member is unwell and I need to take care of them.
Manager: OK.
Man: I need to take 2 days off. A family member is unwell and I need to take care of them.
Manager: Why? Don't you have anyone else at home? I hope you will be available on call.
Woman: I was cooking, so could not come to the phone.
Mom: OK.
Man: I was cooking, so could not come to the phone.
Mom: Yes, this is how it is these days. Your father has never entered the kitchen. What's bahu doing?
You get the idea.
So, 2 macro machineries are at work here.
The first, teaches women that:
2 things are happening in our society.
1.
Women are being taught that adjustment is bad ipso facto. The word adjustment is a bad word. You should not have to adjust or make an effort to fit into anyone else's world after marriage. They should accept you as you are.
2.
Woman says - I need to pick up my child from day care, the manager says, "OK" (however grudgingly, but no denial).
A man says, "I need to pick up my child from day care."
Manager: Are you crazy? Who will do the work here?
Woman: I need to take 2 days off. A family member is unwell and I need to take care of them.
Manager: OK.
Man: I need to take 2 days off. A family member is unwell and I need to take care of them.
Manager: Why? Don't you have anyone else at home? I hope you will be available on call.
Woman: I was cooking, so could not come to the phone.
Mom: OK.
Man: I was cooking, so could not come to the phone.
Mom: Yes, this is how it is these days. Your father has never entered the kitchen. What's bahu doing?
You get the idea.
So, 2 macro machineries are at work here.
The first, teaches women that:
- It is ok to not work at home.
- It is ok to not invest in building relationships if you don't want to.
- Adjustment is a bad word.
- The man must share in the housework.
The second, teaches men that:
1. She marries you for your money. You need to be a good provider.
2. A woman's domestic duties are taken for granted, but a man's domestic duties are discouraged by an entire ecosystem - friends, family, office, everyone.
3. A woman is the epitome of love. She builds loving relationships around her.
Between them, these 2 machines create a HUGE Expectation - Reality gap among the genders, pulling them in literally opposite directions.
One of these machines needs to stop rolling, if the genders have to come together.
If men have to do more at home, their ecosystem needs to be sensitised to this, as much as the individuals are.
If women have to step out, their ecosystem needs to stop viewing this as an anomaly. AND, their ecosystem needs to tell them that it is ok to love, it is ok to not love. It is ok to work, and ok to not work. All relationships take investment, and most of that investment involves a give and take of love. There are expectations involved. Managing those expectations and rights over each other is a part of the relationship building process.
And both genders have to really stop counting their sacrifices and start counting their blessings. An entire social narrative of one gender being the victim and the other the perpetrator just has to stop. It is not true, and it only serves to increase the gender distance. A single story of feminism and a single story of the ideal man is like the 2 elephants of Fevicol.
2 comments:
well-said and analysed !! however there is always an inherent nature and ability and we should be cognizant of that when doing our tasks / expecting from others
Yes Dee, but more and more, we seem to be negating inherent needs and abilities. It is as if there is this entire army of people waiting to pounce on you if you say something that is not the popular view.
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