How to deal with an abuser without feeling fear or negativity?

How to deal with an abuser without feeling fear or negativity?

This was the question I was dealing with in the morning meditation. Here is the answer:

You deal with an abuser the same way that we deal with Ravana – through a Lakshman Rekha. On either side of the line, the exchange can be quite cordial. It only becomes negative when the abuser tries to cross the line into your domain, or forces you to cross your comfort zone and make yourself vulnerable to his/her abuse.

Image from the internet. Credits not mentioned. 

Suppose someone is emotionally unavailable but makes demands on your time as and when they need it. Now, you draw a Lakshman Rekha that eliminates expectations from them. Their emotional availability is no longer needed. Can you still give them love? The same way that you would pet a tree in your house – with love, but without obligation. The exchange is no longer negative or worrisome to you. They are, of course, free to accept or reject your love when presented this way. The beauty of universal love is that it is completely transferable. 

Now, suppose, there is an instance where they are emotionally available. You have created a data point that has their availability (let’s say, a family function, or a lunch with your colleagues). The next time this situation presents itself, you expect them to be there, because the data point says so. And that is what separates the abuser from the normal human being. The abuser refuses to be there, just because you expect them to be and they have the power to refuse. Their reward is your squirming or pain. That is how abuse functions. How do you protect yourself? By remembering the line. Visualise them, not as intimate partner or family member, but as the tree in the yard that deserves a hug, but cannot expect or enforce it. The important metric in the situation is your positivity. If you feel resentment or feel like an empty bucket pouring to meet someone else’s expectation, stop. You cannot stroke a tree without feeling love for it.  

Now, lets take the case of an abuser who is always guilt-tripping or criticising. You create a Lakshman Rekha where their opinion is outside the line. It no longer matters. Your external validation comes from people who are fair and objective. They praise and criticise in equal measure, but more importantly, based on their understanding and opinion of the world, not based on their power, love, or hate towards you.

Once again, a data point is created where you are praised once for something – it could be a dress, an event, a simple gesture. Next time you do that thing, you would rely on the data point. But the person guilt trips or criticises, not based on any objective idea, but out of sheer habit. How do you protect yourself? By remembering that their happiness comes from your pain and isolating the outlier data points.

Next, an abuser who is, unfortunately, physically or sexually abusive. In this case, the line needs to be drawn thick and clear. There is no excuse, no adequate provocation, for physical or sexual abuse. Draw that line and remember Sita every time you are tempted to cross it.