In this post, we laid a foundation. Lets understand the idea of Respectful Parenting.
Respectful Parenting is a idea that a child is an equal participant in the family unit. That a child deserves respect as an individual. But most importantly, perhaps, Respectful Parenting is the idea that children are sentient, thinking, feeling beings who are able to hold up their own end of a conversation. That they are not blind particles waiting to be led. They are, in fact, the ansh(element) of the same cosmic consciousness that resides in you and me and makes us intelligent units of existence.
I have tried to find ways to put Respectful Parenting in words, and I think, that the following positive affirmations for the parent, will help us internalise Respectful Parenting in the best way:
1. The child comes through us, but not to us.
2. Their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which we cannot visit, even in our dreams.
3. My child has the same conscious existence that I do and is, to the same degree, a spiritual, sentient and aware being.
4. My child may know less, but is not less intelligent or less conscious.
5. The child deserves respect in all aspects of life.
These affirmations are incremental - in the first 2, we slowly let go of our inherent sense of ownership and belonging over the child. In these affirmations, we become what Gibran has said that we are - caretakers of a luminous soul, not its owners. Our focus shifts from that of the owner, to that of the teacher or gardener or nurturer. In doing this, not only do we free the child, but we also (more importantly) free ourselves of the attachment that comes from owning. To know that we are just agents of growth allows us to give more freely of our love, and removes us from the attachment that must necessarily come from ownership or belonging.
In these 2 affirmations, the child also shifts from being "It" to being "He" or "She". I find the use of "it" for the child just..wrong. To call a child "it" is to deny its conscious existence.
When we open these 2 paths - that of thinking of the child as an "it" and the attachment of viewing the child as something that belongs to us (is 'ours'), we are ready to move to the next stage of this acceptance of the child's divinity:
The Child is a sentient, aware, conscious being.
Inside all of us is an element of the spiritual presence. We acknowledge it in each other when we say "Namaste" - the Divine in me, bows to the divine in you. It is now time to acknowledge and respect the divine in the child. The child is a sentient, aware, conscious being.
My child may know less, but is not less intelligent or less conscious.
This affirmation is to fight one of our strongest cognitive biases. We are all brought up with the idea that "Parents know what is best for us".
That may be true, they may know more. But they do not know what is best for us. Look back at your life. Can you think of times when you really, really wanted something, but your parents told you that that wish was unwise, and that you'd end up a fool? Or worse, hurt? How do you feel about that decision now? 20 years later?
Here is one way to view this - our parents know a LOT more about this world and how it works. What they do not know enough of, is what is important for US. It is the same for our children and us. They know less, but they are not less intelligent. Nor are they any less capable of processing information.
We can, as parents, acknowledge that their "What" knowledge is limited. But so is ours. If we do not stop ourselves from taking decisions because our conscious knowledge is limited, what right do we have to stop them? Have we taken all our decisions in a state of perfect knowledge?
This affirmation will change A LOT of your relationship with your child. It will shift the onus of decision making from you to the child. All those queries of "What books can I get for a 9 year old avid reader?" OR "What is the best career for a science graduate?" All those times when you take a decision on behalf of your child because they "don't know enough" will change. You may provide information, but the processing has to be theirs.
It will dramatically change the way they view themselves. They will start to see themselves as people who are responsible for the results of their actions. They will start to take control of their decisions, and take ownership of the consequences of those actions.
You have no idea how that will free you up. Didn't study? Poor Marks. Your problem! Don't read? Can't do quiz. Too bad! Don't practice? Wont make it to the school team. Your call!
The sheer amount of nagging that will simply poof! Vanish from your life once you hold the children responsible for their actions (and make yourself responsible only for the information) is incredible. You have to experience it to know what I mean.
The child deserves respect in all aspects of life.
This is easily the most important affirmation of all. Because it completely changes the way that we view the universe around us. Respecting a child as an equal human being is a very important part of nurturing them. I had a father tell me recently - I have decided to split from my wife. I asked, "What about your child? How will it affect them?"
"Oh, he is a child. He will just have to deal with it."
When you have internalised this affirmation, "He is just a child" are words that you will not understand any more. The child is an equal participant in your family.
Does Respectful Parenting mean that we let our children run amuck and take decisions on behalf of grown ups?
No. In fact, it means the exact opposite. It means that we eliminate the idea that if they take their own decisions, they will run amuck and take wrong decisions (remember affirmation 4). When you do Respectful Parenting, you will not understand where this desire to control children is coming from. You will experience the child as a perfectly conscious person who has much to learn and much to teach. Your interactions with the child will become mindful, intelligent and full of new learning everyday. You will find yourself having access to the inner world of the child and you will probably discover what a wonderful world it is.
This is perhaps one of the most heartfelt posts that I have written on the subject.
Respectful Parenting is a idea that a child is an equal participant in the family unit. That a child deserves respect as an individual. But most importantly, perhaps, Respectful Parenting is the idea that children are sentient, thinking, feeling beings who are able to hold up their own end of a conversation. That they are not blind particles waiting to be led. They are, in fact, the ansh(element) of the same cosmic consciousness that resides in you and me and makes us intelligent units of existence.
I have tried to find ways to put Respectful Parenting in words, and I think, that the following positive affirmations for the parent, will help us internalise Respectful Parenting in the best way:
1. The child comes through us, but not to us.
2. Their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which we cannot visit, even in our dreams.
3. My child has the same conscious existence that I do and is, to the same degree, a spiritual, sentient and aware being.
4. My child may know less, but is not less intelligent or less conscious.
5. The child deserves respect in all aspects of life.
These affirmations are incremental - in the first 2, we slowly let go of our inherent sense of ownership and belonging over the child. In these affirmations, we become what Gibran has said that we are - caretakers of a luminous soul, not its owners. Our focus shifts from that of the owner, to that of the teacher or gardener or nurturer. In doing this, not only do we free the child, but we also (more importantly) free ourselves of the attachment that comes from owning. To know that we are just agents of growth allows us to give more freely of our love, and removes us from the attachment that must necessarily come from ownership or belonging.
In these 2 affirmations, the child also shifts from being "It" to being "He" or "She". I find the use of "it" for the child just..wrong. To call a child "it" is to deny its conscious existence.
When we open these 2 paths - that of thinking of the child as an "it" and the attachment of viewing the child as something that belongs to us (is 'ours'), we are ready to move to the next stage of this acceptance of the child's divinity:
The Child is a sentient, aware, conscious being.
Inside all of us is an element of the spiritual presence. We acknowledge it in each other when we say "Namaste" - the Divine in me, bows to the divine in you. It is now time to acknowledge and respect the divine in the child. The child is a sentient, aware, conscious being.
My child may know less, but is not less intelligent or less conscious.
This affirmation is to fight one of our strongest cognitive biases. We are all brought up with the idea that "Parents know what is best for us".
That may be true, they may know more. But they do not know what is best for us. Look back at your life. Can you think of times when you really, really wanted something, but your parents told you that that wish was unwise, and that you'd end up a fool? Or worse, hurt? How do you feel about that decision now? 20 years later?
Here is one way to view this - our parents know a LOT more about this world and how it works. What they do not know enough of, is what is important for US. It is the same for our children and us. They know less, but they are not less intelligent. Nor are they any less capable of processing information.
We can, as parents, acknowledge that their "What" knowledge is limited. But so is ours. If we do not stop ourselves from taking decisions because our conscious knowledge is limited, what right do we have to stop them? Have we taken all our decisions in a state of perfect knowledge?
This affirmation will change A LOT of your relationship with your child. It will shift the onus of decision making from you to the child. All those queries of "What books can I get for a 9 year old avid reader?" OR "What is the best career for a science graduate?" All those times when you take a decision on behalf of your child because they "don't know enough" will change. You may provide information, but the processing has to be theirs.
It will dramatically change the way they view themselves. They will start to see themselves as people who are responsible for the results of their actions. They will start to take control of their decisions, and take ownership of the consequences of those actions.
You have no idea how that will free you up. Didn't study? Poor Marks. Your problem! Don't read? Can't do quiz. Too bad! Don't practice? Wont make it to the school team. Your call!
The sheer amount of nagging that will simply poof! Vanish from your life once you hold the children responsible for their actions (and make yourself responsible only for the information) is incredible. You have to experience it to know what I mean.
The child deserves respect in all aspects of life.
This is easily the most important affirmation of all. Because it completely changes the way that we view the universe around us. Respecting a child as an equal human being is a very important part of nurturing them. I had a father tell me recently - I have decided to split from my wife. I asked, "What about your child? How will it affect them?"
"Oh, he is a child. He will just have to deal with it."
When you have internalised this affirmation, "He is just a child" are words that you will not understand any more. The child is an equal participant in your family.
Does Respectful Parenting mean that we let our children run amuck and take decisions on behalf of grown ups?
No. In fact, it means the exact opposite. It means that we eliminate the idea that if they take their own decisions, they will run amuck and take wrong decisions (remember affirmation 4). When you do Respectful Parenting, you will not understand where this desire to control children is coming from. You will experience the child as a perfectly conscious person who has much to learn and much to teach. Your interactions with the child will become mindful, intelligent and full of new learning everyday. You will find yourself having access to the inner world of the child and you will probably discover what a wonderful world it is.
This is perhaps one of the most heartfelt posts that I have written on the subject.
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