3 Life Lessons

1. If you find yourself in love with a person (especially if you are a girl/woman), ask yourself this question, and ask it long and hard:
DO you love the person, or are you responding to his/her need for you?

A lot of us, when "in love" are just responding to someone's need for us. it fulfils a deep need inside us - to be needed, wanted. To us, being needed and wanted is the same as being loved. It is not. Both make you feel better about your self worth, but they are 2 different things.

Ask yourself: if this person did not love me as he does, would i still love him? If the answer is yes, great. If the answer is no, ask yourself why you feel "in love" with this person.


2. A lot of times, when we "love" another person, are we fulfilling their need to be loved, or our need to love? The need to love is as strong a human need as the need to be loved.
We need to transmit love to other people. Its innate.

If you find time for them, not when they need you, but when you want to meet them, you are fulfilling your need to love, not their need to be loved. To love someone, you have to try to be there when they want you, because thats when they need loving. Think of it like this:

I am thirsty. I ask you for water. You are watching TV then and you dont feel like getting me water. i just ask someone else to get it for me, or i get it myself. A while later, you feel like doing something nice for me, and get me a glass of water. but you see, i m not thirsty any more. i dont need that water then. i needed it some time ago.

That is the difference between fulfilling our Need to Love and fulfilling someone's need to be loved.


3. Very, very often, you will find the need to make a choice - of external "success" and greater "acceptance" and doing what your heart desires. They are not always mutually exclusive, but very few of us truly, really want to spend our lives amassing more wealth. However, we are scared to live our lives because that might take away the next promotion, the next hike, and put u out of the league of your batchmates.
A lot of people may not like you for being yourself without caring. But if you have that one thing - integrity, you will also have that other thing - peace with yourself. You have to decide if peace with yourself is a fair prize for the pain of not being as rich as your batchmates. And if its not, if external acceptance is what gives you internal peace, then be honest about it.


And these are the 3 things i have learnt in life.
1. If you are responding to someone's need for you, understand that. Understand the difference between loving someone and being needed by them and therefore feeling worthy. Its an important difference, though it affects different people differently.

2. If you love someone, be there when they need you. If there is a conflict of calendar, ask yourself which of the 2 activities will matter more 20 years from now. The important moments are usually in the unimportant activities.. a shared story book, a quiet wink, a bedtime kiss, a shared breakfast, a simple drink with a long lost friend whom we were too busy to meet again. This is the stuff memories are made of.

3. Do what gives u peace - if its sticking to your core personality, do that. If its external acceptance, then do that. But do exactly what gives you peace. Life is like a river. If you dont choose your direction, the water will give you a direction anyway. Choose your direction. You are not floatsam.

 

Understanding Rape..

http://thoughtcatalog.com/2012/my-mother-my-rape-and-me/

We cannot understand what it is like to be raped. We cannot know it unless it happens to us. When a house is burgled, we can move away from the house and try to remove the memories, make a fresh start. But when it happens to your body.. the defeat.. and the powerlessness above all else, stays with you for the rest of your life.

What can we do for rape?

50 years ago, if a boy eve teased, and the girl raised her slippers, the rest of the street joined her in beating up the boy. The complaint would reach his house where his ashamed parents would apologise to the community and hit the boy black and blue. "aapke ghar mein bhi behan beti hai" was euphimism for "it can happen to anyone. including you, unless you stop your son from doing it to others now."

Today, ppl snigger when a girl is eve teased or even probed in public. shifty eyes wait to see how far the set of hands can go before the embarassed girl gets off the bus or the street or whatever. physical violence against women who "break the norm" is considered "ok."

When you see someone eve tease, join others in shaming him. even if it takes 2 minutes of your time. that meeting is not as important as this.

At the very least, we can take the blanket of shame that is put on the victim and put it on the perpetrator. Do not meet ppl socially if you know they have been in a crime like this. Yes, they are moneyed and a thousand other ppl will step in to fill your shoes. But it wont be you. And thats important.

Sanjay Pradhan: How open data is changing international aid

http://www.ted.com/talks/sanjay_pradhan_how_open_data_is_changing_international_aid.html

One of the most brilliant, brilliant ted talks i have seen.

Its not to be missed. At all.

I really cannot praise this TED talk enough.
 

Oct 31 - Anniversary of the 1984 riots

On this day, in 1984, Indira Gandhi was killed. While the Congress burns crores (someone should file an RTI to know how much money the 64% bigger newspaper made across the country from these advertisements alone) on paying homage, this blog post is for the thousands who were mercilessly slaughtered, burnt alive with their own turbans soaked in petrol and then used to gag them. Their throats burnt first. With the same turbans that had covered their proud heads.

On these 3 days, out of thousands and thousands of stories, is also the story of Sandeep, whom i remember every year. And the stories of what happened and was never told.

When the courts of this country tell the petitioners that this is a history that is best buried and forgotten, they are not exactly promising justice. They are, in fact, asking for forced amnesia. How can you forget the sight of an innocent child burning to its death, if it was your son? Or anyone's son.

So, on this day, every year, is the anniversary of the Carnage of 1984. Not Forgotten. Not forgiven.

PS: If you have not already seen it, and want to understand what i am talking about, this film will help.   - Amu. Its an award winner at multiple film festivals but was not screened in India.

English Vinglish - A Review

Yes, there hasnt been a film review here for a long time. But then, one hasnt seen a film like English Vinglish for a long time either.

This film is being liked a lot. And though the title is about English, English is only the hook used to tell the story of personal achievement. Of being put down by "family" - repeatedly, almost without thinking, as a matter of course, then finding enough courage to go beyond.. and overcome that one shortcoming (if it can be called that) to emerge stronger, better, more confident.

Almost every married woman will identify with this story.. we all have families who love putting us down. Best part? They do it in the process of complimenting the wife or mother.

There is a scene in the film where everyone is going ga ga over the laddoos made by the lead protagonist. The husband of the lead (Sridevi, of course), says to the newest member of the family (a groom, not a baby), "These are the best laddoos you will ever eat. And my wife, she was born to make laddoos." That is a very telling shot - because he actually meant it as a compliment. And did not even realise its an insult to the rest of her personality. The danger of the Single Story.. as a TED speaker would put it.

The film has clear parallels with another brilliant film on the same theme - Mitr. (wiki entry here)

Technicals

Since most of the shooting is on location, one cant really go wrong with the sets. The Costumes deserve a standing ovation - for everyone, and especially for Sridevi. Every single woman i know is swooning over those saris, urs truly included. But even for the supporting cast - the husband, the daughter and the class mates, the costumes are well thought out and do help to bring out the personality in very subtle ways.
The dialogues are all sooo right.. just the right sort of humour.. the right sort of emotion.. there is a part where Sridevi tells her child, "i dont know what PTA means.. but i know what parent means." i could have stood up and applauded her at that point.

Its a film that leaves one entertained and thinking.. one that comes out of the theater with you, then stays as you admonish little children calling their mother "Fat". For the first time, you look around and realise in how many small ways we gnaw at the self confidence of the women closest to us - by putting them down in such tiny ways, bit by excruciating bit.. by just not paying attention.. by overlooking the fact that unlike us, who have a life outside, these women depend on us for their daily dose of appreciation and positive feedback. They depend on us for their daily dose of adult conversation.. the kind we find easy to have at work "saari important baatein to english mein hi hoti hain na?" .. by ignoring their small, almost imperceptible cries for attention..

This is the kind of film that all tweenies of our country must watch - we have made a national sport of putting down mother in our peer group because it makes us so "cool".

One Line Review:  Its a movie that should be seen. Good story, well told.
 

The Case of The Corrupt Voter

When the Congress dared team Anna to fight elections, i laughed. Because the Congress knows one thing - no one has the necessary money power to buy voters like they do. Asking a new person (not moneyed) to fight elections is like forcing a boxer to play sumo wrestling.

And that brings one to something that is not mentioned in our vibrant democracy - the corrupt voter. we talk about corrupt politicians, corrupt babus, corrupt army people, but never the corrupt voter. Because they are "poor people" . Somehow, in my mind, being poor does not mean they can sell democracy for a blanket and 150 rs. I cannot think of that as not being a crime.

When we dont vote, or vote for money, we are hitting at the very core of our democracy. Like termites, we gnaw into the very foundation of our State - democracy. Why is that not a crime?

Should people be prosecuted for voting for  money? Yes. As much as the babus and the netas should be prosecuted for accepting bribe.

I wonder why the Corrupt voter is not even mentioned, much less publicly censored. THat is where the entire vicious cycle starts. If the voters dont vote for money, they will start looking for real issues and candidates will be forced to work to get votes. If we choose good candidates, and if candidates dont have to spend money on campaigning, their need to be corrupt and moneyed will vanish. Once the netas dont need to be moneyed to be elected, we will be able to contain corruption in the bureaucracy through tight governance. The theory may be oversimplified, but its still valid.

The end of the corrupt voter will mean the end of the corrupt politician. The aware voter chooses the working candidate. About time we shamed the corrupt voter as much as we hate the corrupt politician and the corrupt babu.

Alice in Wonderland

I want to look

At your intelligent looking faces

And find

A trace of identifiable cells there

Something

That looks anything like

Any cell I have

But I don’t look

Anything like any of you

In your world of real people

I am

An anime doll

An object of play

Not of camaraderie

In your wonderland

I am Alice

Maybe, the wonderland is unreal

Maybe

I am.

5 year old child of drdo scientist couple kidnapped and killed by

usually, one steers clear of negative news in the paper and prefers to start the day with economic times. worries abt the economy scare one less than worries abt where we are going as human beings.

but this news... leaves even hardened news readers like yours truly singed. 15 year olds.. kill a 5 year old child for a bike that they anyway dont get.

when they are from the security services that is supposed to protect the families they have mutilated. the first reaction is anger. no trial. kill them right after arrest. the next reaction is pure sadness.

the worst part of the whole deal is, one really doesnt know where to place the blame - no one knows. on parents, on society, on the individuals.. i really dont know!

am lost.

no ted video today, no poetry. 2 minute silence. for what is essentially unspeakable.


 

TED talk of the day - The voices of China's workers

http://www.ted.com/talks/leslie_t_chang_the_voices_of_china_s_workers.html

one was supposed to be working.. when a friend suggested this TED video..and everything paused while one saw this wonderful speaker (duh, elementary - all TED speakers are fantastic speakers)

And suddenly, the perspective changed. Factory workers were no longer a nameless, faceless collective. They were, just like Indian workers, (think factories in Mumbai some decades ago and a movie called Gaman about migration from rural areas to cities for work) , people with real personalities.. distinct aspirations, and ambition.

She has delineated the worker from the product. And presented the worker, not as another product or project or subject for theorising, but as an INDIVIDUAL. a person who has profound observations (maybe because of the culture we grow up in, and we take for granted), looks for opportunities and tries to exploit them.

There will, of course, be freeloaders. There will be people who tried and fell by the side. But in this story, there are also winners.

While there are implications for the macro economics of globalisation and Distributed manufacturing, Personally, i take away the micro story - of the persons being impacted by this on a daily basis, and of where they would have been if this opportunity had not presented itself.