A lifetime of being judged

I have a condition.  I don't know what it's called, but it has often been called laziness, lack of personal discipline, and other judgmental names. 

The condition is simply this - my body needs to be asleep at a certain time every day. 

You might find this familiar - there are many people who say that they fall ill if they are not in bed by 10 pm. Many people who turn down late night parties because their bodies just cannot deal with the late nights. And also, they have to be up at 4 am, because that is when their brains feel brightest. We at least now have a name for this - every body's natural rhythm where the body and mind peak at a certain time of the day. 

So, you know the condition. But why am I called lazy, disruptive, and not disciplined at all for my condition? 

Because in my Circadian rhtythm, that time is 10 am to 11 am. And the time I need to be awake because my brain is the most active at that time - is 11 pm to 2 am. 

I am 47, and have fought this labeling of being lazy for at least 36 of those 47 years. I have suffered from migraine, allergies, fever just because i was not able to rest my body when it needed rest. Because I needed to be in school or at work. How do I know that it was because of not resting? Because when I woke up feeling unwell and went right back to bed, then woke up after 11 am, i was fine. Hundreds of times. 

A quick Google turns out a term - Type 2 Narcolepsy - the inability of the brain to choose the time of sleep. But here is the thing - Narcolepsy is only a disorder if the person wants to sleep during the day and stay up at night. Inability to sleep at night is also a disorder - insomnia. It is not a disorder if the person wants to go to bed by 10 pm. 

BUT, what if some bodies are naturally wired to sleep - not with the sun, but against it? If so many people have that as their "natural" situation, then surely, it can't be abnormal? 

If I remain healthy just by following my body's circadian rhythm, should i still feel that i am lazy or sick? (Narcolepsy)? If you look at it, these labels are not disorders - they are just labels. You only have narcolepsy if you need to sleep during the day. Not if you need to be in bed by 10 pm. Both conditions indicate a lack of control over when to sleep and wake up, but only one is a disorder. 

Why am I writing this now? Because my son has the same condition, and he is starting to internalise the same labels that I have internalised for years. He is starting to get the same smirks that I have got for decades. 

"You are so intelligent and so committed. Your work is always complete. Why don't you just wake up on time?" 

"There is no reason for you to be late to work. It is nothing but lack of personal discipline."

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It is so bad that until 5-6 years ago (after I turned 40), I didn't even know what time of the day was the most restful for me. Because every day since childhood had been a mad rush to get to work on time. 

Only after leaving a regular office job did I realise the time at which I get the most restful sleep - 10 to 11 am. Can you imagine that level of lack of self-awareness? 

And I can't even start to talk about the sheer judgement and self-loathing that one goes through. 

Why can't I just get up on time? Why do i need to sleep during the day? 

"The early bird gets the worm."

"By the time you wake up, half the market is done and dusted. How will you make money on the stock market like this?" 

"You are just lazy. There is no other explanation for this. If you lie in bed at 9, you WILL be asleep by 11. It's a guaranteed thing." (No, it wasn't. I went to bed every single day at 9, and then tossed and turned till 2 am. Every single night. For years. And now, my son does the same thing. He is tossing and turning till 1 am at least.) 

So, people, finally, I am saying this - we cannot help it that our bodies have a Circadian rhythm that is not aligned to the sun, but against it. That does not make us bad people (Rakshasa, as my grandmother would say - only rakshasas get active at night). It does not make us lazy. And it definitely does not mean we have no personal discipline. 

I do not want more people to fall ill because the world does not understand something as simple as a different Circadian rhythm. So, I have to talk. And hopefully, someone out there will benefit because someone understood. 

Peace.