This is what coaches and therapy Don't get - and spiritual guides and religions DO

My friend and I live halfway across the world from each other. Every night, i send her a Good Morning, and we chat almost everyday. 

Yesterday, she and I got talking about her coach. We realised that coaches expect us to come up with answers at a time in life when we DON'T have answers. I told her that the same thing happened with my therapy. The therapist insisted that i ask myself deep questions at a time when i was completely incapable of normal functioning! And then, it was my fault! I tried, really did, for about 2 months, before accepting that I am never going to be able to answer the questions to her satisfaction. Because after the first attempt, she said, "These answers are the reason why you need to go back and think more." Which gave me the sense that she has the answers in her mind, and she wants me to arrive at the same answers. The fact that this is the worst possible time to subject me to difficult questions and mandatory decision making, completely escaped her!  

After what my friend said last night, I REALLY got thinking. Yes, coaching and counselling both need answers to come from the person, but they don't get it that at the point at which coaching/ counselling are happening, the person is in no position to give those answers. Just guided questioning is not going to cut it! Even the person knows the questions. It is the answers that are missing. 

And then I thought, where do we go when we are really down and out? The answer is: We either turn to a spiritual guide, or to our religion. 

So, what is it that spiritual guides and religions do so well, and coaches and counselling don't? Why is counselling almost universally ineffective? 

And here, I think, is the answer: 

Spiritual guides and religion provide ANSWERS. 

At that moment, when you are asking existential questions like, "Why this? Why me? What next?" They don't take you to the torture chamber of interrogation and ask, "How do you feel? What do you want to do next?" I have no frigging idea how I feel, and i have no clue what i want to do next. Hell, i don't even know what next means?! 

At first, they ACCEPT. Pain and suffering are part of human existence. You are down and out. And that is OK. 

They NORMALISE it. 

A Coach says, "Oh! You are going through a rough time. Let's talk about it." 

A counsellor says, "You have gone through abuse. This is hard. Do you want to talk about it?" 

A spiritual guide says, " Nanak Dukhiya sab sansaar." or "Sorrow is a guest that visits every household." or some such. 

Then, they DO NOT interrogate. They do not put you in a question chamber. They do not expect anything from you - not even a sane mind. They accept you as you are - vulnerable, and unable to function. 

And here is the important thing - they PROVIDE ANSWERS. 

Answers which make sense to them, and to some of us. 

Answers that we need at that time. There is plenty of time to pull up our socks and get cracking on work. But at THAT time, we don't want to make decisions. We don't want to answer questions. We want our questions answered. 

They provide SUPPORT. Every religion, every spiritual guide, tells the person coming to them - I AM HERE FOR YOU. Do you know how important that is? To say, I am here for  you? It is the lever that pulls a person out of loneliness and alienation. It is the thing that makes a person feel like a human being again. Therapy isolates. 

And for some people, they provide A COMMUNITY WITH SHARED BELIEFS. 

Usually, there is an ashram, or other followers of the religion who congregate at one place. I am a Sikh, and to me, the experience of the kirtan in the gurudwara makes me feel like such an integral part of the universe. At that moment, surrounded largely by strangers, all of whom smile at each other, I get the sense that I BELONG. More than with friends. More than with family. Here, with these people. 

And this, imho, is what mental health is doing so, so wrong.