1. If you find yourself in love with a person (especially if you are a girl/woman), ask yourself this question, and ask it long and hard:
DO you love the person, or are you responding to his/her need for you?
A lot of us, when "in love" are just responding to someone's need for us. it fulfils a deep need inside us - to be needed, wanted. To us, being needed and wanted is the same as being loved. It is not. Both make you feel better about your self worth, but they are 2 different things.
Ask yourself: if this person did not love me as he does, would i still love him? If the answer is yes, great. If the answer is no, ask yourself why you feel "in love" with this person.
2. A lot of times, when we "love" another person, are we fulfilling their need to be loved, or our need to love? The need to love is as strong a human need as the need to be loved.
We need to transmit love to other people. Its innate.
If you find time for them, not when they need you, but when you want to meet them, you are fulfilling your need to love, not their need to be loved. To love someone, you have to try to be there when they want you, because thats when they need loving. Think of it like this:
I am thirsty. I ask you for water. You are watching TV then and you dont feel like getting me water. i just ask someone else to get it for me, or i get it myself. A while later, you feel like doing something nice for me, and get me a glass of water. but you see, i m not thirsty any more. i dont need that water then. i needed it some time ago.
That is the difference between fulfilling our Need to Love and fulfilling someone's need to be loved.
3. Very, very often, you will find the need to make a choice - of external "success" and greater "acceptance" and doing what your heart desires. They are not always mutually exclusive, but very few of us truly, really want to spend our lives amassing more wealth. However, we are scared to live our lives because that might take away the next promotion, the next hike, and put u out of the league of your batchmates.
A lot of people may not like you for being yourself without caring. But if you have that one thing - integrity, you will also have that other thing - peace with yourself. You have to decide if peace with yourself is a fair prize for the pain of not being as rich as your batchmates. And if its not, if external acceptance is what gives you internal peace, then be honest about it.
And these are the 3 things i have learnt in life.
1. If you are responding to someone's need for you, understand that. Understand the difference between loving someone and being needed by them and therefore feeling worthy. Its an important difference, though it affects different people differently.
2. If you love someone, be there when they need you. If there is a conflict of calendar, ask yourself which of the 2 activities will matter more 20 years from now. The important moments are usually in the unimportant activities.. a shared story book, a quiet wink, a bedtime kiss, a shared breakfast, a simple drink with a long lost friend whom we were too busy to meet again. This is the stuff memories are made of.
3. Do what gives u peace - if its sticking to your core personality, do that. If its external acceptance, then do that. But do exactly what gives you peace. Life is like a river. If you dont choose your direction, the water will give you a direction anyway. Choose your direction. You are not floatsam.
DO you love the person, or are you responding to his/her need for you?
A lot of us, when "in love" are just responding to someone's need for us. it fulfils a deep need inside us - to be needed, wanted. To us, being needed and wanted is the same as being loved. It is not. Both make you feel better about your self worth, but they are 2 different things.
Ask yourself: if this person did not love me as he does, would i still love him? If the answer is yes, great. If the answer is no, ask yourself why you feel "in love" with this person.
2. A lot of times, when we "love" another person, are we fulfilling their need to be loved, or our need to love? The need to love is as strong a human need as the need to be loved.
We need to transmit love to other people. Its innate.
If you find time for them, not when they need you, but when you want to meet them, you are fulfilling your need to love, not their need to be loved. To love someone, you have to try to be there when they want you, because thats when they need loving. Think of it like this:
I am thirsty. I ask you for water. You are watching TV then and you dont feel like getting me water. i just ask someone else to get it for me, or i get it myself. A while later, you feel like doing something nice for me, and get me a glass of water. but you see, i m not thirsty any more. i dont need that water then. i needed it some time ago.
That is the difference between fulfilling our Need to Love and fulfilling someone's need to be loved.
3. Very, very often, you will find the need to make a choice - of external "success" and greater "acceptance" and doing what your heart desires. They are not always mutually exclusive, but very few of us truly, really want to spend our lives amassing more wealth. However, we are scared to live our lives because that might take away the next promotion, the next hike, and put u out of the league of your batchmates.
A lot of people may not like you for being yourself without caring. But if you have that one thing - integrity, you will also have that other thing - peace with yourself. You have to decide if peace with yourself is a fair prize for the pain of not being as rich as your batchmates. And if its not, if external acceptance is what gives you internal peace, then be honest about it.
And these are the 3 things i have learnt in life.
1. If you are responding to someone's need for you, understand that. Understand the difference between loving someone and being needed by them and therefore feeling worthy. Its an important difference, though it affects different people differently.
2. If you love someone, be there when they need you. If there is a conflict of calendar, ask yourself which of the 2 activities will matter more 20 years from now. The important moments are usually in the unimportant activities.. a shared story book, a quiet wink, a bedtime kiss, a shared breakfast, a simple drink with a long lost friend whom we were too busy to meet again. This is the stuff memories are made of.
3. Do what gives u peace - if its sticking to your core personality, do that. If its external acceptance, then do that. But do exactly what gives you peace. Life is like a river. If you dont choose your direction, the water will give you a direction anyway. Choose your direction. You are not floatsam.
8 comments:
Dearo... amazing blog post...I dont want to say anything else except... a hug for u ..
So true, and yes I have asked myself similar questions :-)
Insightful..
Very good analysis, Sai.
Dear all: thank you! and Yam, thank you for making this blog post ur status msg for a long time!! i was very touched.
This is very great! I love how you think and put your thoughts to words
Is this because you have had your heart broken? :-(
Love love
kj
hi kj: :) of course i've had a heart broken, and then some more. all of us have.. and it makes us wiser.. am grateful for all of those tears - they teach much.
u left me speechless n in a question zone where i m questioning myself continuously now....sharing dis post wid some close people in my life...but not b4 asking myself why they are close to me....great job....
:)
naaz
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