"I don't care" is a trauma response.
Love is an emotion. It cannot be mandated. It is perfectly ok to not feel love for genetic relationships. They were not in your life, so they are not in your head. (or in your memories.)
You say you don't want to make excuses for their behaviour, and yet you are... you are trying to justify why they might have done what they are doing.
***********
Also a beautiful story:
After the session, I usually thank my therapist. I did that at the end of the session, and she responded:
Thank you for being so vulnerable. Thank you for letting me help.
<Pause>
And Thank you for being so beautiful and giving me this view. The couch is green, you are dressed in white and there are pink flowers next to you. Its like being in a meadow.
Me: Tell me more..
The way she described how her eyes interpreted that view was so lovely, that i went out and bought myself the same pink flowers and brought them home.
And I think.. this will be one of those lovely memories. :)
कल हम मिल नहीं पाए।
इसलिए कल, मैंने सिर्फ तुम्हें प्यार किया।
आज भी, सिर्फ तुम्हें प्यार करने का दिन है।
कल के लिए भी बस यही काम सोच कर रखा है।
Yesterday, we could not meet.
So, I loved you all day.
Today is the day to love you all day.
And tomorrow, I plan to do the exact same thing.
*************
In my defence, I am allowed to spew total insaneness. its part of therapy :)
तुमने जलाया था
कि राख हो जाऊं
मैं कुंदन निकला
********
You lit the fire
to turn me to ashes
I realised
I was gold dust.
***********
Gold dust and blobs look like ordinary earth/blobs before they are refined, then torched, and emerge as pure gold. This 24-carat thin gold is called Kundan in Hindi.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eg1X6SKfTQo
https://www.youtube.com/shorts/X8zRP7w_2n0
I realised today that it is harder to let go of a friendship than it is to let go of a relationship.
In a relationship, all said and done, we retain a sense of self. In friendships, we give without accounting, we accept people as they are, and we do not always expect friends to be polite or even not rude.
But suddenly, one day, they are exceptionally insensitive, and we find ourselves shocked.
Then, we sit down and ask self an honest question - "When was the last time this friend was a "friend"? When did I last feel nice while interacting with them?"
For me, that answer was "15 years". The last positive memory I have with this friend is from 15 years ago. For one and a half decades, I had been pouring into this friendship, without even pausing to think.
When a romantic relationship goes bad, I usually say, "I love you very much, but I respect me more." With startling clarity, I realised that it was time to say the same thing to a one-sided friendship too. And its really, really hard.
"औरत को बांध कर मारना चाहिए। फिर वो कहीं नहीं भाग सकती।" - अमृता प्रीतम की कहानी "मैं सब जानता हूँ" में ठेकेदार ने ये बात कही थी। और कल, फेस्बूक पर एक औरत ने यही बात लिखी।
ये बात सच है। बच्चों वाली औरत बच्चों को छोड़ कर कहीं नहीं भाग सकती। फेस्बूक वाली औरत ने लिखा, "पर एक दिन, अगर मैं मुंह खोल दूँ तो?"
मैं उस औरत को बताना चाहती थी, कि मुंह खोलने से दिन शांत हो जाते हैं और रातें और भी काली।
पर मैंने कुछ नहीं लिखा। हर औरत की रस्सी भी अलग होती है, और उसकी गांठों का कसाव भी अलग।
मुझे तकलीफ इस सोच से है, कि एक इंसान को बांध कर मारने की इच्छा है। उस इच्छा का होना भर ही मुझे समझ नहीं आता।
इस सोच में, बच्चे प्रेम का प्रतीक नहीं होते। औरत को बांधने वाली रस्सियाँ होते हैं - जो बच्चों को कभी नहीं होना चाहिए।
*********
"A woman who is tied before she is hit is not able to run away. You should tie a woman down with children before hitting her." - This was a line in a short story by Amrita Pritam.
And last week, this was written by a woman on Facebook.
It is true. Women with children cannot run from bad marriages as easily. That is why men have suicides and women have autoimmune disorders. We cannot die.
The poster on Facebook wrote, "But what if I were to open my mouth one day..?"
I wanted to tell that woman that it won't change anything. It might make the days more peaceful but the nights will become darker and more unpredictable.
But my issue is not with the comment, or the possibility of opening the mouth. My issue is with the core thought process that wants to tie up another human being and beat them. With embedded sadism that is so mainstream that it finds acceptance in our daily conversations!!!
In this destructive thought process, children are not a symbol of love or union. They are tools of manipulation. Ropes that bind a victim and make her helpless. And children should never be that.
I want to call out this embedded sadism. But don't know how.
ਬੂਹੇ ਬਾਰੀਆਂ
ਆਪਾਂ ਬਨਾਏ ਤੇ ਸੀ
ਹਵਾ ਦੇ ਆਨ ਜਾਨ ਲਈ
ਪਰ ਇਸਤੇਮਾਲ ਕੀਤੇ
ਸਾਹ ਘੁੱਟਣ ਨੂਂ
Boohe Baariyaan
Apaan banaaye te si
Hawa de aan jaan layi
Par istemaal kitte
Saah ghuttan nu
***********
Doors and windows
were made
to keep the air flowing
but were used
to suffocate.
