On Texting

When friends text: 

1: You are a cherished friend. 

2: Awww!! 

1: And I love you a lot!

2: I love you a lot too! 

When old friends text: 

1: You are a cherished friend. 

2: 🤦‍♀️अब कौन सा कांड कर दिया तूने?

1: And I love you a lot!

2: अबे तुझे बुखार है?

Translation:

1: You are a cherished friend. 

2: 🤦‍♀️What did you get yourself into now?

1: And I love you a lot!

2: And you are not well?

Dedicated to Shopper's Stop, MnS..

 प्यारे Very-Advanced-MNC-Store:

जितनी मेहनत मुझे दिन के 3 "We-are-missing-you-you-haven't-visited-us-in-2 years-7 months-16 days-and-3-hours" वाले CRM Messages भेजने में लगाते हो, उस का दसवां हिस्सा भी अपने in-store staff training पर की होती, तो आज ये दिन न देखना पड़ता।

सप्रेम,

माफ-करो-पीछा-छोड़ो-गलती-हो-गई-भाई-जान-लोगे-अब? ex customer

On private University Admissions

 The way private universities approach you for admissions once you have submitted an enquiry at even one site.. reminds one of the mini bus conductors of Delhi in the 1980s... Aa jao Law vaale, aa jao engineering vaale, Aa jao BBA, BBA, BBA..

Image from the internet

More funny original quotes

Height of Sarcasm:  Your Honour 

Height of Truth: Your Lordship 

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Why I don't follow entertainment websites: 

What they spell binge, I read cringe . 

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The trouble with hanging out with people who don't read the same books is that they don't get half my jokes. Like, how do you explain "Don't be Ravi Subramaniam." to someone?? 

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The trouble with our world is that when a product is encountered by an idiot, we try to fix the product, not the idiot. 

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If men wore bras, the front open zipper would have appeared a century ago. 

*************** 

What did Joe Biden do right after taking over as President of the US? 

Started World War 3 (Also NATO resignations, but World War 3) 

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What is Bill Gates' next multimillion dollar idea? 

Monkeypox

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I'm in that stage in life where a 100 ml bottle of perfume is too much commitment. 

Explanation: 5 ml is all I can commit to. After that, I might get bored or something. 

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Things I learnt doing house cleaning during Covid

1. गंद से जीतना मुश्किल ही नहीं, नामुमकिन है। 

2. सफाई रोज़ करनी पड़ती है, पर गंद स्वाभाविक है। वह स्वत: पैदा हो जाता है। 

3. डर के आगे जीत है, पर गंद के आगे और गंद है। 

इस पोस्ट का राजनीति से कोई संबंध नहीं है। 

Funny Hindi poem on posting everything on Social Media

 Someone asked on Linkedin: Neki Kar Dariya mein daal, or Neki kar social par daal ? 

(Should you post your good deeds on social media?)

AND my head had to respond with a funny Hindi poem. Its a parody on a classic Hindi film song about the importance of humility and doing good deeds.

सजन रे post मत डालो 

खुदा के पास जाना है 

न FB है, न  Insta है,

वहाँ offline ही जाना है। 

तुम्हारे followers न्यारे 

यहीं रह जाएंगे सारे 

अकड़ किस बात की प्यारे 

ये सर फिर भी झुकाना है 

भला कीजे भला होगा, 

बुरा कीजे बुरा होगा 

Post लिख लिख के क्या होगा 

Account Memorial बनाना है 

लड़कपन Discord खोया

जवानी LI पर सोया 

बुढ़ापा देख कर रोया 

वही किस्सा पुराना है 

 This is the original song on which the parody rests: 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IR9ShQEdcgg

The Roman transcript: 

Sajan re post mat daalo,

khuda ke pas jaana hai,

na Fb hai na insta hai,

vahaan offline hi jaana hai.

Tumhaare followers nyaare,

yahin reh jayenge saare,

Akad kis bat ki pyaare

Ye sar phir bhi jhukana Hai

Bhala keeje bhala hoga,

Bura keeje bura hoga

Post likh likh ke kya hoga

Account Memorial banana hai

Ladakpan Discord khoya,

Jawani LI par soya

Budhaapa Dekh kar roya

Vahi kissa purana hai

Funny Hindi poem on exercise

 एक दिन हुआ ये संयोग

सीखने चले हम भी योग

 

पहले प्राणायाम कराया

फिर टीचर ने गले लगाया

इतनी गहरी होगी सांस

हमको कब था ये आभास?

 

पद्मासन ने छक्के छुड़ाए

टांगें कोई कैसे सधाये ?!

पैर करें न वार्तालाप

हम ही करते चले विलाप!  

आ- आ – आ के साथ

पद्मासन न छोड़े जान

 

“चलो तुम्हें कुछ सरल सिखाएँ”

गुरु ने ये तेवर अपनाए

सूर्य नमस्कार करें आरंभ

सरल हो योग से संबंध

किन्तु सूर्य नभ-पथिक हैं

उनका  नमन बहुत कठिन है!

 

गुरु अब हौले से मुस्काए

अपना ब्रह्मास्त्र ले आए

“आपके लिए है एक ही आसन”

कह कर सिखाया शवासन!

हम भी हो गए तुरंत प्रसन्न!

गुरु को किया कोटि नमन!

On Humour Writing

आजकल हास्य लेखन दुनिया के सब से विषम व्यवसायों में है। 

अपने जीवन में हास्यास्पद कुछ रहा नहीं, और दूसरों पर हंस नहीं सकते। 

किन्तु लेखक जीवन यूं भी विषमताओं से भरा है। 

एक लेखक मित्र ने बताया - उदास कविता लिखा करते थे, रिश्तेदार अवसाद के इलाज बताने लगे। 

एक और लेखक मित्र की सगाई टूट गई। लड़की वालों ने रेफ चेक कराया और इन महोदय का रोमानी चिट्ठा (blog) पकड़ में आया। लाख समझाया, कि लेखन अपनी जगह है, और जीवन अपनी जगह, पर ऐसे 'गंदे' विचारों वाले लड़के को लड़की देने के मत में वे चाचा लोग बिल्कुल नहीं थे, जो स्वयं ३-४ बच्चों के पिता रह चुके थे। वर्जिन मेरी केवल ईसाई धर्म में ही नहीं हुई हैं। इन चाचा लोगों की मानें तो पूरा भारतवर्ष ही कुंवारा बाप है! 

सबसे बड़ी त्रासदी तो ये है कि जब दुनिया के सबसे जोखिम भरे व्यवसायों के बारे में लिखा जाता है, तो लेखक की गणना कहीं नहीं होती। भाई, विवाह संबंध टूट जाना, नौकरी चली जाना, घर वालों से लड़ाई हो जाना, यहाँ तक कि जान पर बन आना, ये क्या कम जोखिम है? 

बात हास्य लेखन से शुरू हुई थी, त्रासदी पर समाप्त होती है। अंग्रेजी में क्या कहावत है? 

हमारी हंसी में छुपी है हमारी पीड़ा,

 हमारे उपहास में हमारा यथार्थ है। 

Humour writing is one of the world’s riskiest professions today.

There is nothing funny in my life and for political reasons, one cannot laugh at anyone else any more. No lawyers, no doctors, not even clowns! 

But its not just humour writing. Writing, by itself, is an eminently perilous path.

A friend’s poetry was slightly dark. Her relatives started suggesting home remedies for depression. She was cured. Of poetry.

Another friend had to pay a steeper price. His arranged marriage was called off when the girl’s side, as part of routine matrimonial verification, stumbled upon his anonymous erotica blog. The poor fellow tried to explain that writing and living are two different things, but the protective uncles of the innocent girl decided that a boy with such ‘dirty’ thoughts was not suitable for their daughter. These uncles, of course, had sired 3-4 children themselves. Which leads me to believe that virgin birth was not just a concept in Christianity. If these uncles are to be believed, the entire population of India was Immaculately Conceived.

 But the greatest tragedy, imho, is this – in the lists of Top 10 Most Dangerous Professions in the World, writing is seldom mentioned. Tell me, what is more dangerous than being assumed mentally ill, losing a job, broken marriage, and even threats to life and family?

Sigh! We started with humour writing and ended with tragedy. What do they say again? 

Our sorrows are hidden in our sweetest smiles. 

Our tragedies in our jokes most vile.

Aaj ka gyaan

 1 AMA होता है - Against Medical Advice.

India में, 1 AMA उस से भी ज्यादा खतरनाक होता है - Against Mother's Advice

AMA usually stands for - Against Medical Advice.

India has an AMA that is even deadlier - Against Mother's Advice.

When Facebook tickles your phunny bone

 Someone posted on Facebook: 

Commitphobic. Never married. 45 years old. What will my life be like if I push myself into matrimony now? (No serious answers please) 

And here goes the answer: 

Depends on whom you ask. 

Here are some expected answers: 

Karan Johar: Kabhi Khushi Kabhi Gham;

 Yash Chopra: Dil to Pagal Hai; 

Rajkumar Santoshi: Andaz Apna Apna; 

Rajkumar Hirani: 2 Idiots; 

Ashutosh Gowarikar: Pehla Nasha; 

Bimal Roy: Bandini; 

Guru Dutt can either give you a realistic answer like "Kagaz ke phool" or be optimistic and say "Bahaarein phir bhi ayengi"

Amol Gupte: Ek Yodha Shoorveer 

Raj Kapoor: Prem Rog

Mani Ratnam: Dil Se 

Ram Gopal Verma: Company 

Hrishikesh Mukherjee: Golmaal 

Basu Chatterjee: Khatta Meetha 

Prakash Jha: Chakravyooh

V Shantaram: 2 Aankhein 12 haath 

Ketan Mehta: Aar Ya Paar 

Dev Anand: Ishk Ishk Ishk 

:) 

On Punjabi Parenting

ਛਿਤੱਰ ਅਤੇ ਪਿੱਤਰ - Helping Punjabi mothers raise children since forever.

Now, I did try to translate this joke, but its one of those jokes that truly is lost in translation. 

The word "Chhittar" can mean anything from "Wait till I get you" to actual hitting a child. 
The word "Pittar" can mean anything from "Wait till your father gets home" to "Is this how you're going to ruin the family name?" or even "Oh my forefathers! Why didnt you take me with you? I would not have had to see this day!"  - depending on the type of Punjabi mother. 

So you see, you have to be a Punjabi to get this Pun. :) On the bright side, this has an Apna-Pun. 

When you turn off personalised advertising on Facebook

Facebook, after deciding that i will not buy:
A. Matrimony services
B. Dating services
C. Zero sized clothing
D. Plus sized clothing
E. Plussss sized clothing
F. "How to tell a good man by the way he kisses you" type articles
G. Fresh and clean balls
G. Gossip magazines and their articles
H. In the Know about the British monarchy and its rift



Finally, I did buy something from Facebook: A Software licence.

It is now showing me an analytics solution!



Aur karo personalised advertising band. 

Erma Bombeck Special

My mother has elevated revenge to an art form.


Oh, i used to be naive about animals.  I thought they are male, unmarried, and travelling alone. 

It amazes me how every year, a childless writer will set down suggestions on the joys of travelling with children.


I wondered if she married a man who considered asking for directions anywhere as a genetic weakness. I wish I had a dime for every cloverleaf that we circled for 8 days.


We explored every dead end road in the United States, blazed trails where only covered wagons had been, and discovered maternity homes for bloodsucking mosquitoes.


Children do not go on a vacation to have a good time. If the parents really wanted them to have a good time, they would leave them at home.


No self respecting family would think of going on a vacation without the 'seat-kicker'. The seat kicker is a fore runner of the bionic leg. He positions himself just behind daddy's seat and has been clocked at 200 kicks per minute for as long as 400 miles. The motion affects his hearing.


Kids haven't been home unless they have pawed through their old sports trophies and ribbons, 2080 friendship pictures from grade schools, rubber worms, dolls with no eyes, graduation tassels, rugs from Disneyland, pennants, report cards, sand-filled cameras, basketballs, kits, dog-eared letters, college catalogs, and licence plates.


"Mom, this is our history. It shows that we were here."
"Your father and i live at poverty level. What more proof do we need that you were here?"

Clean underwear does not reproduce itself.


Students who write to their parents get remembered in the will.

Look, son, ever since you graduated from college you've been trying to find yourself.  You wanna know where you are? You're somewhere between Clearsil and bankruptcy.

"I take care of the car. "
"Pouring Orange crush in the radiator when it boils over is not taking care of it. "


It was always understood that my husband, Darth Vader, would be the custodian of the television tuner.  He regarded the electronic device as his personal "force" of good over evil TV shows.

Ten children... thats a lot of shoes, a lifetime of overbites, an eternity of 'Can I..'s, endless evenings of PTA, years of slammed doors, and an uninterrupted spam of "we've got the kids to think about.."

Every time mom said, "I'm doing this because i love u. ", i knew it was going to be something rotten.

We have an entire generation of kids growing up who have been told that work must be 'fun, relevant, and meaningful. ' it's actually discipline, competition, and repetition.  They're confusing work with success. Success is fun, relevant and meaningful. Work is just plain dogging it.

- from Family- The ties that bind, and gag. 

Toddler Dictionary

So, someone on facebook put up a "Toddler Dictionary" .. which was a little like tearing the seams of my motherly heart.

I added to her list generously.

• This is what the following terms actually mean to parents of toddlers:
• The Perfect Storm: Toddler in front of visiting la-di-dah guests.

 

• The Merchant of Venice: Toddler trying to get a toy that you promised him/her 2 weeks ago.

 

• The Greek Tragedy: Toddler denied their basic human right to pull your nose while you are trying to change a diaper in a crowded airport rest room after a 12 hour flight.

 

• Illiad and Odyssey: The Stories of our motherly lives.

 

• The Secret Garden: That place in your house where all your clips, pens and other assorted items vanish, but which you will never ever discover until the movers arrive.

 

• What Katy Did: What your child will NEVER do.

 

• Five on a Secret Mission: Toddler with Grandparents

 

• Mahabharata: Two toddlers who want the same toy.

 

• Mission Impossible: An unharried toddler parent

 

• The Avengers: Toddlers whose TV time has been taken from them by "Angry Parents"

 

• Slumdog Millionaire: Toddler's world view of his parents.
• The Godfather: Toddler's worldview of self.

 

• Gone with the Wind: Toddler's look when you ask, "Where is X?" X can be anything from their pyjamas to your diamond ring.

 

• It Happened One Night: 

 

• Ithaca: The parent's worldview of when a child will reach adulthood.

 

• Life is Beautiful: That moment when, at night, the child puts their tiny arms around your neck.

What's your list?