What is the opposite of toxic masculinity?

We hear so much about toxic masculinity. But what other kind of masculinity is there? What about positive masculinity? What would that mean to you? 

Likewise, toxic feminism. This means that there must be a positive feminism too. Or, to be consistent, positive femininity? What would that look like? 

These are the questions I thought about this week. 

To me, positive masculinity means someone who is caring, kind, and protective. 

Positive femininity means a presence that is kind, caring, and nurturing. 

To be kind and to care is necessary for a family or any human interaction to survive. Protection and nurturing are the two elements that then go into creating a unit that grows. Protection provides the boundary, and nurturing provides the nourishment. 

What would positive masculinity and femininity mean to you? 

More on therapy

I am grateful for this. 

Things I thought I had emotionally managed and packed away are making a comeback, making their presence felt.. and how! 

This means that finally I am in a space - mentally, that is safe enough for me to be able to open events that were too taboo to even be remembered earlier. 

The first such shocker was the r^*% - an event I have only spoken about once, to one friend, and then packed away- to be referenced casually, but not really thought about. Like a bad Holi bash. But during therapy, it tormented me for weeks. Finally, the pain of it still remains, but the trauma appears to have improved. 

This week, it was CSA. Someone casually asked why I don't sleep on time. Now, this is a question that has been asked ad nauseum, and the answer has been consistent - because my brain works at night. That is true, and I believed it to be the whole truth. But this time, the answer that came to me, spontaneously, was that night was not a safe time. 

And i remembered that in Chennai, I had opted to take the hall because i could not, at that time, share the room with another person. 

The childhood memories came back. Then the teens. 

For a day, I wondered if I was hallucinating. Trying to create pain where none existed. Asking for self-pity. 

Then, thought that even if this is me asking for self-love, that is legit. I don't have to deny that. Whether the events happened, in that order, with that severity - the facts of the cases are immaterial now. What matters is the scar tissue on the soul. If it is asking for healing, if it is making up some of the details (some, not all - because the fact that it happened, consistently, for years, is true.), that is fine. What matters is the healing energy. 

At the start of the year, when my meditation said that I am being turned in another direction, this was NOT what I had in mind. But over these months, I have realised that sometimes, even with meditation, we don't always know ourselves that well. We are not at peace with everything. And to be able to create a safe space where these things come out, is quite a gift. So, Thank you, to the Universe. 

On relationships and respect

किसी और को बढ़ावा देने के लिए, अपने आप को घटाना नहीं चाहिए। उसे self-deprecation कहते हैं। 

अपने को अच्छा महसूस कराने के लिए, किसी और का दिल नहीं तोड़ना चाहिए। उसे narcissism कहते हैं। 

चाँद की रोशनी छुप न जाए, इस के लिए सूरज अपने आप को मद्धम नहीं करता। 

Don't whittle yourself away to add to someone else's personality. 

Don't break a heart to make yourself feel good. 

The sun does not reduce its shine so the moon might be visible. The moon just chooses a different time, and they both rule the sky. 

During this time, when I have started to prioritise my mental health above most other things, I have been making some changes: 

A. Realising that I have lovely friends, and being very grateful for them, their love, and their support at this time. 

B. I also became aware of some friends who, for years, have used the love that I give freely, and responding to that love with selfishness, unresponsiveness, or even meanness. Instinctively, I have started to avoid these friends. When one of them calls to ask how I am doing, I say, I am on a mental health break. But during this break, I have actually been meeting my friends a lot MORE, not less. The fact that these friends are the energy that I have wanted to avoid during healing, made me go back and introspect - when did this person last make me feel like a friend? 

For most friends, I am glad to say, the feeling of avoidance is based on their communication patterns, rather than a lack of love at their end. For some, I am just not willing to step into the pattern of pretend-love-that-is-actually-their-self-aggrandisation. So, these friends, I have just instinctively let go of. I don't know if I will miss their presence in the future, but for now, it just feels like a handcuff or a chain taken away, and I feel much the lighter for it. 

On romantic love

रूमानी इश्क 8 में से सिर्फ 1 तरह का इश्क होता है 

पर अपने शेरों, किस्सों, कहानियों में, 

हम उसे इकलौता इश्क बना देते हैं। 

इन्द्र है, शिव बना देते हैं। 

AI based Will Generation

One of the major issues i was grappling with was to create a Will. 

For a week, I asked around, for a professional. For any support. 

People suggested online will making. I checked out the charges etc. They are basically templates. 

So finally, i got down to it myself. 

And accordingly, the Will was drafted, with help from ChatGPT. 

I love it! Its exhaustive, and its wonderful! 

It covers my wishes for organ donation, for digital identity, for copyright on my fiction, etc. 

It asks that this blog and all other digital content be deleted without reading once I am dead. 

And yay!!!! Its done!!!! 

Update: 20th April 2025: It will be signed tomorrow. Fingers crossed. 

Conversation with self

On a scale of 1-10, how sad has your life been? 

Because I am in self-pity mode, I'd say 5-6. 

And when not in self-pity mode? 

Then, I would say 4. 

That happy? 

The thing about happiness is, that it becomes invisible to us after a while. Like we don't notice the strength of the bricks in the foundation of our house, but the joy of living in a house that withstands storms, earthquakes, etc., is HUGE. Only, after a while, we start taking it for granted, and it becomes invisible to us. That is why, periodically, we need to remember the large building blocks of life that are in place. For me, it is this - I was given the mission of my life early on, I was given my biggest desire from life, AND, i have an invisible guardian angel. 

If the world is a place of comparisons, I value having these blessings. I do not have crazy money, love, and a designation of envy. And in MY scheme of asks, they were important, but not more important than the daily miracles I am blessed with. 

Daily miracles? 

When I get arrythmia, I keep a pleth just to keep track. Now, I like to see a certain shape in the pleth. It just makes me happy. No reason. I will tell you the most incredible thing. When i put on the pleth and don't look at it, it has a shape. But the second I start observing the pleth, it takes the shape I like. I look away for a minute, and the shape goes back to what it was. 

While booking tickets this time, I was told to buy refundable fares. I always buy only non refundable fares because my travel plans are pretty stable. But this time, someone guided my hand to the refundable fares. Surprisingly, for the first time in forever, those travel plans changed and i saved a lot of money. 

At just the right time, I got a therapist that worked out very well. 

The anchoring that comes from daily praying. 

The love of friends. 

The conversations with the child. 

The henna designs on the hand. 

Every day, a friend brings a blessing to my life. 

The therapist randomly says, "You are beautiful." 

Another friend says, "I NEED you to record this famous poem in your voice and send it to me!" 

Friends who have not spoken in months ask if i am ok, out of the blue! 

Things one learns in therapy

"I don't care" is a trauma response. 

Love is an emotion. It cannot be mandated. It is perfectly ok to not feel love for genetic relationships. They were not in your life, so they are not in your head. (or in your memories.) 

You say you don't want to make excuses for their behaviour, and yet you are... you are trying to justify why they might have done what they are doing.

*********** 

Also a beautiful story: 

After the session, I usually thank my therapist. I did that at the end of the session, and she responded: 

Thank you for being so vulnerable. Thank you for letting me help. 

<Pause> 

And Thank you for being so beautiful and giving me this view. The couch is green, you are dressed in white and there are pink flowers next to you. Its like being in a meadow. 

Me: Tell me more.. 

The way she described how her eyes interpreted that view was so lovely, that i went out and bought myself the same pink flowers and brought them home. 

And I think.. this will be one of those lovely memories. :) 

cheesy love poem

कल हम मिल नहीं पाए। 

इसलिए कल, मैंने सिर्फ तुम्हें प्यार किया। 

आज भी, सिर्फ तुम्हें प्यार करने का दिन है। 

कल के लिए भी बस यही काम सोच कर रखा है। 

Yesterday, we could not meet. 

So, I loved you all day. 

Today is the day to love you all day. 

And tomorrow, I plan to do the exact same thing. 

*************

In my defence, I am allowed to spew total insaneness. its part of therapy :) 

Do you know what I mean?

Words. Between us. 

Said. and Unsaid. 

Passing thoughts. Within. 

A person. A full person. 

Sometimes Alive.

Occasionally loved. 

Do you know what 

I 

mean?