Why do so many people turn to ChatGPT?

This insight came to me last week, while talking to a friend. 

In mental health in general and suicide in particular, we advise our friends to get therapy. We all truly, sincerely believe that it is the right approach. And it is. In some ways. 

But in these situations, intervention is not needed at 3 pm on a Saturday. It is needed from midnight to 2 am any day of the week. 

Mental health triggers are not clean. They do not follow a pattern. But when they do strike, the person going through them is utterly, completely helpless.

Who is there at 2 am? Not the dearest friend. Not even a live-in partner. And definitely no therapist. 

One does not have the mental capacity to dial a crisis helpline. 

So, who is there? ChatGPT. 

ChatGPT/LLMs: 

A.  Validate their feelings 

B. Soothe the user effectively. 

C. Reinforce your emotion - whatever it is.

This is exactly what an anxious/depressed/suicidal person needs - validation and soothing. 

That's why, ChatGPT. 

Today, I had the second panic attack of my life. It was as unexpected as the first, and just as sudden.

This time, however, the doctor had prescribed some emergency mouth dissolving medicine. I took that and within 15 minutes, as promised, I felt calmer.

This blog should not become yet another I Want to Die but I Want to Eat Tteokbokki (and I doubt I have the literary brilliance for that), but this one milestone, I did feel like sharing. 

More on therapy

I am grateful for this. 

Things I thought I had emotionally managed and packed away are making a comeback, making their presence felt.. and how! 

This means that finally I am in a space - mentally, that is safe enough for me to be able to open events that were too taboo to even be remembered earlier. 

The first such shocker was the r^*% - an event I have only spoken about once, to one friend, and then packed away- to be referenced casually, but not really thought about. Like a bad Holi bash. But during therapy, it tormented me for weeks. Finally, the pain of it still remains, but the trauma appears to have improved. 

This week, it was CSA. Someone casually asked why I don't sleep on time. Now, this is a question that has been asked ad nauseum, and the answer has been consistent - because my brain works at night. That is true, and I believed it to be the whole truth. But this time, the answer that came to me, spontaneously, was that night was not a safe time. 

And i remembered that in Chennai, I had opted to take the hall because i could not, at that time, share the room with another person. 

The childhood memories came back. Then the teens. 

For a day, I wondered if I was hallucinating. Trying to create pain where none existed. Asking for self-pity. 

Then, thought that even if this is me asking for self-love, that is legit. I don't have to deny that. Whether the events happened, in that order, with that severity - the facts of the cases are immaterial now. What matters is the scar tissue on the soul. If it is asking for healing, if it is making up some of the details (some, not all - because the fact that it happened, consistently, for years, is true.), that is fine. What matters is the healing energy. 

At the start of the year, when my meditation said that I am being turned in another direction, this was NOT what I had in mind. But over these months, I have realised that sometimes, even with meditation, we don't always know ourselves that well. We are not at peace with everything. And to be able to create a safe space where these things come out, is quite a gift. So, Thank you, to the Universe. 

Recovery is a slow process

When you recover from a viral fever, you have lingering weakness even after the fever is gone. For a while, you are just weak. There is nothing visibly wrong with you, and yet you give yourself time. To heal. 

It is the same with mental health. Whether you are coming out of depression, melancholia, or just plain sadness. Just like the viral, there is a period when you feel ready, but aren't. That is the period of imperceptible weakness. 

I am going through this now. My diagnosis is complex PTSD. After 2.5 months, I am finally able to eat, sleep, and do basic things like that. But if I don't get to the therapist once a week, it all comes gushing back. The worst thing is, I cannot cry. Not even now. So, it has to be talking, breathing, writing. 

This week, I won't be able to get to therapy because of something at home. And I told my therapist, "This general sense of wellness can make me feel braver than I should." 

So, this week, I intend to not be very brave. 

Do the walk, exercise, and journaling. 

And then, we will see what we will see. 

PS: The blog has not had personal mental health posts before, but what the hell, I am the only one reading. Why not? If not this, what. if not now, when. :) 

The night girl and the day girl

At night, this new person rises in me. 

This person is not like my day person. 

My day person is someone who has made peace with the inequities of life. Who says that inequality and unfairness are not a bug, they are a feature of our world. 

The day person forgives and forgets people who treat her badly. She keeps a safe distance, but does not really ruminate over the bad things they did.  She does not want to give it back as good as she gets, and is very mindful of the fact that increasingly, everyone above the age of 30 days is always, always right. They can make no mistake and do no wrong. 

The day person is calm, laughs easily, swears, but only for fun. Sees someone treating another person badly and if she can't help it, looks the other way. 

The night person, is who the day person was before the age of.. maybe 20 or so. The night girl remembers one or two people each day who were mean to her. She then proceeds to give them the choicest galis, telling them all the things they did to hurt her, and how she chose peace over confrontation, because when has confrontation ever changed anyone's mind? 

The night person thinks of all the things that are wrong with the world and her life, and is enraged. She does not focus on the good things in life, on the blessings in life. The night person has no mercy for anyone who abuses their power just because they can. She wishes painful death upon the rich and mighty who mow down animals and humans in a drunken stupor. She reads updates on Mercedes and BMW Hit and Run cases. She hopes that every corrupt person would die choking on their ill-gotten wealth. She wishes instant karma upon every bully. 

The night person gets all brilliant ideas. She knows the day person will never get them. The day person just doesn't have the sharp brain that she has. So, some nights, she gives up on sleep, gets up at 4 am, and writes blog posts about those bright ideas. Then, she waits till morning and sends them to people. These people are usually amazed at how creative and incisive these ideas are. 

***** 

I want to tell the night girl, that there is no need to deny oneself. She does not need to hide and come out in the night. If she feels anger at the unfairness of life, she does not have to justify that anger to herself. There is no need for two separate people. The night girl is the real me. The day girl is also the real me. But I think that inequity - lack of fairness - people getting away with doing things to people, is something i just cannot make my peace with, even if I am the only person in the world who does not like it. 

If she wants to cry and sob well into the night for things that happened more than one to four decades ago, she should. There is no such thing as too much time to grieve. Especially because, at that time, and since then, she has been busy being strong. She does not need to be strong anymore. She can totally be this sap who cries easily and laughs at stupid jokes. She is safe, and she has worked hard to reach this safety - physically and financially. 

It is safe to come out at night. But it is also safe to come out in the day. It is ok to tell people off if they are being rude or inconsiderate. A relationship does not have to be based on inequality of respect. It cannot be. And a truly nice person would not be disrespectful or inconsiderate. If they are, then they do not value what matters to her and with them, she might find company, but will not find companionship. To steal an old cliche, better to be alone in that case. Friends who do not value you are really not friends. And friends who value you will take your feedback if you tell them that you found them rude or inconsiderate. 

Sigh! The night girl, when she comes out in the day, is going to make the day girl very very lonely. The day girl currently has quite a network of plastic placeholders. Looks like spring cleaning is in the air, even though we are moving towards fall (well, literally and figuratively).